The Flying Mobulas

Searching my heart.

2010-01-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

Hello out there.

Today I am really searching my heart, hard. You see, I am supposed to go to Haiti for a week in March. I signed on with a group run by a friend of mine through a local university; paid for my tickets last Sunday. Most in the group were going to do a general building project for a school in the desperately poor neighborhood of Cite Soleil; I was potentially going to work in a clinic there as an RN, though the details hadn't yet been worked out. I would have been just as happy doing building work. Now, of course, the situation on the ground in Haiti is drastically changed from just a few days ago, and I find that I am torn with regard to whether or not to take the trip. Many people have encouraged me not to go; others have said I should wait and see what happens before I make my decision; the group leader still fully intends to make the trip. What I wonder is this: how much good can a group of volunteers who are novices to post-disaster work actually do? And how much would we be getting in the way of the professionals and using up resources needed for the people already there? Haiti is not an easy country to work in even in normal times; this much I have gathered from reading the words and works of people who have been there for years. It will be even more difficult to get things done in the weeks and months to come. On one hand, if I can do some real good, I need to go. On the other hand, though I have a fair amount of experience working in developing countries, I have never worked in a situation anything close to that in Haiti right now. It seems more appropriate to me to give whatever financial support I can to organizations with experience in this type of post-disaster scenario (Partners in Health, Doctors without Borders, Red Cross) than to insert myself into a situation wherein I might be more of a liability than a help. I will be talking to the project leader this weekend. We shall see what happens.

More to come...

2009-12-24T08:18:00.002-05:00

Hello again, quiet world. I think I'm back again, after nearly a year. Going away till the new year... but I've been feeling the tug of desire to write again, however humbly and to whatever size an audience. Meanwhile, I wish any who come along happy holidays and a safe and healthy new year!

Seven months later....

2009-02-11T16:03:00.003-05:00

Been a long while, no? This is the view out the back door of my present abode - top to bottom is north to south. Not sure these shots really convey the beauty, but I'll keep trying! New camera, more complicated; new life... somewhat less so. I'll check in again soon.

PICTURES! YES, AGAIN! (she shouted)

2008-06-02T11:19:00.008-05:00

The apple blossom edition of my photography madness. Unfortunately, all of these photos were taken on a grey day; I think they "pop" better visually when there's a blue sky. Oh well! Let us proceed with the huge pile of apple tree photos, then (warning: there will be uninspired captioning because I'm in a hurry to get back out to the orchard - lots and lots and lots AND LOTS of work to do):

Fuji variety

Down a row

Apple blossom buds

Side view of apple blossom buds

And more buds!

And... more.

Down another row

Flowers!

You guessed it - flowers again!

Loveliness. I don't care how many times you see this sort of thing - the delicate beauty and the sweet scent of these blooms is something to be celebrated and adored, even if it means taking a gazillion pictures of the very same thing.

Small break in the flowery madness - a random shot of the garage here at work, apple buckets and all.

Close-up view

'Nother close-up

Aaaannnnd... another!

Alrighty, then. Now I can move forward in time when I have a moment. Moments are looking a bit scarce in the near future, given the list of tasks my boss gave me this morning plus the glorious fact (chagrin!) that school starts today yet again. It does seem to do that, doesn't it? Very annoying. This semester is only seven weeks long, though, so that's something.

So... I know it's been too long since I've commented on your blogs, though I've visited most of you. I'll try to make it up somehow, some way, at some point! Meanwhile, as usual, I wish you all the best. More perhaps on the morrow. Ta.

Yes. More photos.

2008-05-30T13:11:00.005-05:00

Plum blossoms

And again.

Catkins in the hedgerow

Up.

Workload. Fun! Seriously.

Youthful Virginia creeper leafies.

Grape buds with the usual grapevine twistiness in the background. I ask you, how can you not take pictures of such spirally beauty?! Ahem.

Pear blossoms

...and more pear blossoms. I was leaving on vacation shortly before I took these photos, so I had no choice as to the grey weather. They probably would've looked prettier with a blue sky behind them, but... oh well. And I think they're pretty anyway, and I also like a nice grey sky, so... um... there.

Well, that's it from me for the weekend. I hope you all are well, and have good things to do. I shall be doing housework, reading as much non-textbook material as I can stuff into my brain (and believe me, it's a prodigious amount), and other random things. I will kiss my cat probably several hundred times (poor baby!), I will water my few plants, and I will try to be grateful for the good things in my life. I'm a bit of a grabby, nongrateful type if I don't watch out for it. Ta, then, until Monday.

Random photos

2008-05-30T10:26:00.006-05:00

I have a gazillion or so more tree blossom photos to get up here - which needs to be done post haste, given that bloom time is well past at this point! - but I wanted to get these random shots out of the way first. They won't be all that exciting to you, I'm guessing, but I want them up for myself. The nature of blogging is rather self-centered, so that's alright by me. Without further ado:

Pear tree with kaolin application

Same as above, from a distance

Yes, I know. More grape vine stuff.

And more!

Reflection

Up the hill, west entomology block

Down the hill to the lab

Cedar-apple rust lesion

And another. Alien-looking, aren't they?

Looking out to the north 40

Alrighty, then. Those are some of the random photos I'm getting out of the way before I end up publishing spring photos in September. I'm already way behind; my camera is full of more current stuff.

First off, I want to apologize if I've gotten way too personal for you readers of late. I'm not taking down anything I've written, because it adds to the whole of the text, so to speak, but I'll try not to go there again. I know I've already said this, but I wanted to reiterate. My aim wasn't to denigrate M., it was to support myself. That doesn't need to be done online, necessarily, so - I'm sorry.

In other news... there really isn't any. Work is very busy, as usual, and school starts on Monday. The highlight of my day thus far was watching three pairs of birds (grackle, starling, and mockingbird) verbally harrass and take swoopy dives at a pair of crows. The noise level was astonishing - and somehow really fun to hear - and the attacks made me laugh. I know it's serious business for the smaller birds, given the crows' tendency toward nest-raiding... but such things make me smile anyway. The crows were finally driven off, after much ado. It was a wonderful drama to behold. Well, on that note... I'm signing off for now. I probably won't have time to write again till Monday, so - happy weekends to you all! Ta.

More spring, belatedly.

2008-05-27T11:40:00.011-05:00

Ok, I did try to put these pictures in an order that makes sense, but I messed up my posting order and I really don't have time to correct it. That I am posting at all is a small miracle, and I'm sure I'll end up regretting the time spent at some point! At any rate, more spring stuff. Peaches, this time.

Row of peach trees pre-bloom.

Out-of-the-timeline photo. This was supposed to come later in the series, but here it is, in all of its glory! It really is pretty, isn't it?

Back in time again to the bud stage!

More buds.

Another shot like the out-of-order one above.

Flowers!

An inexplicable shot of my feet. On a rock. Yay!

Peach flower close-up. Can you see how lucky I am to work here, getting to see this each season? (this is my last season here, as far as I know, which makes me very sad.)

Aaaaannnnd.... more peach blooms!

Now for something completely different: maple keys on a grey day. Don't ask. I don't know why I put it here.

****************

So - hi there. I don't have much to say, nor much time to say it in. School starts next week, something that I am simultaneously glad for (the sooner I'm done, the sooner I'm done, after all, plus I get to see my friends again) and not glad for (will I have the ability to do well when my home life is in an uproar? Am I terribly cold to even be thinking that way? And also - yuck. I am so tired of studying. Or, more to the point, because I do love learning - I am so tired of taking tests). Work is very busy, which is good. Other than those things, I have nothing to add that wouldn't dive back into the realm of the Too Personal, so I shall sign off. I hope to have some time to write tomorrow or Friday. Meanwhile, best to you all.

Spring

2008-05-21T11:29:00.004-05:00

Apricots

Pretty, eh? I think so. I'll try to mete out my flower pictures - wait till I get to the apples, I was out of control with those guys!. Anyhow - pretty.

I'm going to make an announcement that will surprise exactly no one: things are once again bad in my relationship with M. Horrible, in fact. Henceforth, though, I am not going to be talking about it here. It serves no one, and it's just ugly to put it out there. I'll leave up what I have up, but no more after this. Whatever happens will happen, and I will probably allude to it because major changes are in order one way or the other. However, no more details, no more moaning and complaining. He doesn't deserve it, and it feels wrong to talk about these things so publicly. So - there you have it.

That's all for now. Ta.

Once more, I am busy busy busy!

2008-05-20T08:15:00.002-05:00

SEXAY!

So, in lieu of the spring orchard shots I have gazillions of, I present you instead with this marvelous shot of me and Shelby-cat. I might have time later today to organize all the fruit blossom photos I have (probably far too many, but I just couldn't help myself - so ephemeral! so pretty!); we shall see. I have a ton of work to do, so maybe, maybe not. Since getting back from vacation last Wednesday, I've been running like a maniac here at work - which is good, but I do miss reading your blogs and writing here. C'est la vie, I suppose. I'll get around to it sooner or later!

Things are more or less the same in my life, though much more relaxed for the lack of school. Unfortunately, it starts up again in a week and a half - ugh. UGH, I say! And now, I am off to do orchard work... cutting root suckers (one of my least favorite jobs, as it involves much troll-like bent-over hobbling around - back-killing stuff), and then tying tree supports to their overhead wire. And then... a fire blight experiment in the lab, and then pressure testing of a bunch of apples from a post-harvest experiment, and then trimming potted trees in the greenhouse... and then weeding those same trees... and then fertilizing those trees... and etcetera. As you can see, a full slate. And so, my dears who still bother to read here - ta for now, and best to you all!

Who do I love?

2008-05-10T21:57:00.004-05:00

Simon LeBon, John Taylor, Andy Taylor, Nick Rhodes, and Roger Taylor.

Indeed.

Seriously. They were so cute! I have spent the past few hours gobbling up old 80's videos, loving the music and also remembering why these guys had my heart in their hands, despite their ignorance of my existence. I don't have internet access at home, and I have no sound at work where I do have internet access, and holy cow, man! I can't stop listening to old music, watching old videos! (right now, "The Dangerous Type" by the Cars). It's been a festival of these bands: Duran Duran, New Order, Tears for Fears, Thompson Twins, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, INXS, Depeche Mode, Howard Jones, Robert Plant (sans Zep), The Cure, The Fixx, and yes I know I am dating myself horribly. There are others. Which include... much to my embarassment, I suppose - Billy Squier. He was sexy, in a very strange way. (she said defensively).

I have failed to include in my list of bands that I would have been exploring in 9th grade: the Police (meh, yes, they're talented, but really no, not for me.), Kajagoogoo (who I will look up shortly), Rod Stewart (huh?...except I really did love the song "Baby Jane." Indeed.), REM (yes, I still like them), the Alarm (no comment, really), U2 (clearly they're fine without my help... and yes, I do still like them, mostly), and Tom Petty. And the Heartbreakers, I suppose. There are others. This is fun! I had no idea how fun it could be having the internet AND SPEAKERS! Yay! No poking fun. I'm allowed these little joys, right? Of course I am. Everybody wants me, according to Billy. Which means I can do pretty much anything.

Alrighty, then. Goodnight, I think!

Gorging myself...on the internet! Whee!

2008-05-10T08:26:00.003-05:00

The bride. Ugh.

Hi there! So yeah, that's me there, pre-wedding. With the nice hair and hands emotive of my despair in trying to figure out how to apply makeup. And again - ugh. What does this have to do with internettiness? Well, all the reading I'm doing - writing by amazing women (those in my sidebar, and their links and commenters) who are honest and real and achieving actual growth. With grace, humility, clarity. I want to be them. I want to stop with all the whining, all the hand-wringing. I have said this on any number of occasions in the past, so I don't expect you to believe I'm suddenly going to burst free from whatever self-imposed chains I'm wearing right now. However, I am getting closer to bending the links of these chains. Gotta say again - it's the medication in the main... it frees me up to actually spend my energy on something other than trying not to die or drink myself to death. It's also my fantastic cadre of friends and family, who continue to love me and believe in me despite the preponderance of evidence that says maybe they shouldn't. It's the spring, my wonderful job, doing well in nursing school, physical activity - it's a lot of things. Point being, I'm starting to feel as though I might be able to make the changes that need to be made. I'm not there yet - I need to really think through what needs to be done, what I want, how things might play out. There is the danger of getting mired in these thoughts, paralyzed by the possibilities, so I will try hard to keep moving even as I think.

Anyway... sorry, I'm just tossing fragments of thought out there. I guess that's how it's going to work for now! On that note, I'm going shopping with my mom. I'm not the shopper - she is - but I do need to spend time with her, and so off we go! More later, and thank you for listening to my meanderings.

p.s.

2008-05-08T23:45:00.002-05:00

I remember now why I always wanted to cancel sleep when I was a kid. If I always felt this way? I would never want to sleep until I just fell over dead or otherwise. I'm awake! And there's so much to learn live know learn! I love people and I hate them, and the same with life. Plants, animals? Love. Love! This life? I bite it, crunch it between my teeth. Brave words, I know, from someone who needs to make big decisions. Let it be, for these days. I am thinking, and I am trying to be who I am. It could be that I can't stand being otherwise when I go back to NY. That's all for now.

Again from Ohio

2008-05-08T22:21:00.003-05:00

Anne, Dad, Shelby

Hello. I'm sitting here listening to my latest obsession in music, KT Tunstall. You missed my Britney Spears phase (which is actually still in progress) because I didn't talk about it. I am nothing less than a philistine with regard to music and that's fine. I will roll around in it, and it will still be fine - I will still stuff my head with whatever has caught my ear until my ear falls off and runs away. Indeed.

I am sitting here, yes, sitting. Thinking. I could live here. My parents would have me here in a heartbeat, and I miss them all the time. That's all, for now.

p.s. You see where I get the squinty eyes? It's in the genes!

OHIO!

2008-05-07T21:26:00.007-05:00

Not Ohio, but this is my mom, and me looking incredibly dorky. What a surprise.

Again, not in Ohio, but this is me holding Pauly (from Catskill Animal Sanctuary, see links in sidebar), standing with my dad.

So - that's my way of saying hello from Ohio, and these parental types are who I am visiting. YAY! It's only Wednesday night, which means Le Heedee-uss final was last night. Holy cats, man. It seems like sooo much longer ago than a mere 24 hours. Funny how time stretches and compresses at the end of the semester. At any rate, here I am in Ohio. I arrived late this afternoon. I just spent a very enjoyable evening with my mom and dad - it's so very, very nice to see them. It's been way too long - over a year. I miss them every day, so it's great to be here, especially given the stress of late. I feel completely at ease here, though to be honest I'm still pretty keyed up. My dad says I'll probably feel like a new person by Saturday - he should know, having been through years more schooling than me. Simply, it's wonderful to be here.

I don't really have much to say right now - I'm pretty much running on fumes at this point - but I wanted to check in. The final was pretty horrid; I'll find out what I got on Friday. I had an A going into it, but I'm pretty certain I blew it last night. Ah, well. At least there was a nice cushion for me to do badly, right? I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you'll all be waiting with baited breath. Or is it bated? Bated isn't even a word, is it? Moving on.

I also wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support. Your words and kind thoughts mean more to me than you can know. I feel like I'm letting everyone down by talking about how things are and then doing nothing about it... but that's not actually true, at least not at this point. I said at the beginning of the year - mental health improvement and finishing my RN are my top priorities, and I'm getting those ducks in a row. Ultimately, things with my relationship have to change, that much is clear. For now, though, I don't think I can make big, sweeping changes with regard to it. Maybe that will change next week, maybe I'll be able to hold out to the end of the RN - I don't know. What I do know is that there will be change. (ed. note: if I write the word "change" one more time, I am going to kick myself in the shins. Good Lord. Yes, I'm exhausted and my mental thesaurus is thusly handicapped.) The better I feel and the closer I am to being finished, the stronger I get. I suppose that's all I have to say on that topic for the moment - I'm so tired my eyes are practically crossing. I hope I'm making some scrap of sense. I'll sign back in tomorrow. Again - thank you, thank you, thank you.... and take care.

So.

2008-05-02T12:36:00.004-05:00

Since my life seems to be an open book lately, I suppose I can continue along those lines. Probably not the best decision I've ever made, but there it is. Or, rather - here it is.

I am feeling ashamed and grief-stricken and uncertain and more or less horrible today. Last night, I was meaner, crueler, than I think I have ever been to a human being on purpose. (I know I've been those things unintentionally in the past, though rarely, thank God) I went on the offensive against M., and I was like a crazy person. I spewed out every terrible thing I had ever thought, every slight I had ever felt, every resentment that had ever lurked in my mind, unspoken. To top it all off, I was also casually, pointlessly mean - I actually made a withering comment about his vocabulary and the way he talks. That is so incredibly low, I can't even believe I said it. I am mortified by the way I behaved. Being aggressively cruel like that just is not in my nature, at least not usually. In the end, he told me that he doesn't even like me anymore, that he wants a divorce, that he only hopes I will be as fair with him as I was with Marc. (note: I was fair to Marc materially and monetarily, I think, but I'm sure I wasn't necessarily fair emotionally. Just want to keep things clear.)

(deep breath) I do not know what I want at this point. I know what other people want for me, and I know I've been acting like a separation is what I desire, but on the brink of it now? I'm just not sure. Divorce is a terrible thing; it destroys so much. Break-ups are bad regardless, but to me it seems divorce is even worse than that. Vows spoken in a church are broken. That wedding dance you did, both of you so happy? That memory is smashed, along with so many others. It is heartbreaking on so many levels, I have a hard time even seeing through my tears to talk about them. I don't know what I am going to do, or how I am going to muddle through this; I don't know what to do. He may not give me a choice in the matter; if he files for divorce, I won't fight it. How can I? In the face of all the odds, I still think we have a chance. I don't know why I think that, but I do. I don't hate him, and when I step back from a situation I am too close to, I have focused too much on negatives, and I haven't tried hard enough to make things more positive between us. Instead, I have retreated into a shell, where I read books and study and avoid him. He has done the same, except that he goes into his shop, smokes cigars, listens to music, and fiddles with woodworking projects. We haven't communicated in any real way for a few years now. It's a little bit stunning to realize that. I am afraid of him, and he is, in his own way, afraid of me. How did we get here?

I don't think we are the best match known to man, certainly. We would both probably be better off either alone or with someone different. However, we are together, and that means something. When I go home tonight, I am going to lay all my cards on the table, apologize for being so awful, and then the ball will be in his court. That's all I can do right now.

Just as an addendum, let me say this: I know he has been cruel to me, verbally abusive, untrusting, and physically threatening. I'm not forgetting those things. It could be that there is no hope left. I just need to be sure. He is not a horrible human being, and it just kills me to see him hurting, especially when I am the cause of it. So - there you have it. That's where I am right now. It should be fun to see how much studying I can actually accomplish in the face of this. This pretty much sucks.

Over and out, then. I won't be in till Tuesday, unless by some miracle I am able to get enough study in to feel comfortable not taking Monday off. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Ta.

Briefly....

2008-05-01T12:31:00.001-05:00

...I passed my final assessment for the semester! My lecture final is next Tuesday. More later.

Hi there.

2008-04-23T20:30:00.003-05:00

I have no photos for you right now, as I am at my office on my way home from class - hence, no real time to download and edit. I am woefully behind on recording the goings on in the orchard, which makes me really sad. The apricots are already finished blooming, and so are some of the peaches. I'll certainly catch the apples, and hopefully some of the later peaches and the plums and pears. The apricot bloom is so incredibly brief it kind of amazes me. Their flowers are so pretty! Mayhap I can find one left on at least one of the trees tomorrow before the day's hijinks commence.

Tonight was my last night at clinical. Hurray! And also - gulp. I am not at all ready for the final lab exam OR the lecture exam, which are one week from tonight and two weeks from last night, respectively. EEP. One thing I can say most assuredly? THANK GOD it's almost over. Holy cats, man. I am so tired. I am also really, really sick of school. I know, wah, poor Anne, blah blah blah, etcetera. Sometimes I really am just a self-centered teenager, only with wrinkles and bad knees. It bears thinking about.

Moving on. Let's see... what else? Well, there's the farmer's tan I've got going on. My arms and face are fifteen times darker than the rest of my flesh. As long as I wear long pants and shirts with sleeves, I look ok. However - skirts? Shorter sleeves? Shirts open at the neck? HA HA HA! I look foolish. I'm not at all concerned about it, but it's still a pretty funny contrast. Hmm. Other stuff beyond melanocyte activity.... nope. I have nothing for you. Yes, there is stuff going on (finals approach, obviously, and I'm just starting to have trickles of panic penetrate my giant wall of denial)... but I am not really composed enough to address it properly. I really just wanted to sign in to once again remind my enormous fan base that I am actually alive. Guffaw, etc.

On that really poorly written note.... ta. I shall try to provide photographic fare tomorrow. Try not to hold your collective breath, ok?

ARGH! I need to bring a camera outside! Meanwhile, old pics...

2008-04-17T10:44:00.012-05:00

Up the hill, through my windshield. I was trying to give you a perspective on the steepness of the hill, but you can't really tell, can you? Oh, well.

Down a row in the pond block - flags flying. If I ever talk about flagging trees, this is what I'm talking about. The flag colors match up with the fungicidal treatment the trees get.

Tiny Brassica, I think. Cute little baby.

Media (for bacterial growth plates) stirring, from above.

That same media, from the side. Boring, I'm sure, but still - here it is! Yay!

Photo one of an orchid we have here at work. Lovely, lovely thing. This is the second time it has bloomed since I've been here (4 years).

Another shot of the orchid.

Common mullein - fuzzy!

First flower of the season - coltsfoot. I love these guys.

Another view of a coltsfoot - I love them because they're out there in the starkness of March, no leaves, growing out of impossible looking ground. Pretty little things.

*******

Hi there! I've been away awhile. I am tired, just as tired as I was in the last entry. That's ok, though. Tired is good, sometimes. In the past, I often said I was tired when really I was being crushed under the weight of depression. It's actually kind of amazing that I didn't do more than cut myself a few times over the past few years - I was that down. I still continue to be amazed by the fact that I feel kind of normal, and occasionally giddily happy for no reason at all. It's nice, so nice!

If you still read here, and I haven't visited your blog lately, I apologize. I have been so busy, soooo so busy, and also distracted. And also? With regard to what I said above... I have some depression issues at the moment that would normally have had me completely snowed under. Funny - now I know it, which is a good thing. On the other hand, it's kind of scary how life-sucking depression is - if I felt the full brunt of what is scratching through the glass at me right now (all bristly and tooth-baring and angry), I would most certainly be doing very self-destructive things. Thank God (and Shannon, again - I have to keep saying this because she has helped me so much) that I am on medication. It's real, depression, and as I believe William Styron said, the word "depression" doesn't really cover it. Moving on.

The world outside is changing like crazy - so fast, so pretty! I've worked outside a lot lately, which is a total blessing, but I've been way too busy to carry a camera. I need to get out there (hopefully tomorrow) to capture what's happening in terms of bud-break and so forth, because it all happens so rapidly. We have bluebirds nesting in a box in one part of our orchard, and two eastern phoebes claiming territory in two other parts - it's just wonderful. The peepers (frog species) have been peeping like crazy for weeks now - I just adore being outside and hearing them. I can't believe how lucky I am to have this job. It's amazing.

School. I have entered a new era (well, it's kind of an old era for me, but it's new now because it's been absent for too long) - I have become Competitive Anne again. The reason? A 94 on my midterm and a 95 on the latest exam. I'm back in the game, and I want to continue to kick ass. I thank the meds, for sure - I wouldn't be doing so well if I wasn't taking them. I managed good grades before this, but not quite as high - and I don't even know how I did it, feeling as bad as I did. Anyhow, I feel good, and I want to chew up my final and spit it out. We shall see what we shall see, because I am not at all ready for it (two weeks hence). And, per usual, the final skills assessment scares the crap out of me - I perform badly when being watched one on one. Too bad I didn't major in drama instead of science.

Alrighty, then. I wish you all well, and I'm sorry for my lack of presence. I will check in now and then, and I hope to get some photos tomorrow to share with you. Ta for now.

Not dead, just busy.

2008-04-08T14:36:00.004-05:00

Old view (a week and a half ago, maybe?) of buds and the weather shelter on the hill.

Clover in one of the potted trees - which need to be weeded by *someone* very soon!

Hiya. I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Exam tonight, outdoor work much of the day today. I'm not complaining, I'm just tired. I probably won't sign in again till Thursday - I can't imagine I'll have any time tomorrow. Meanwhile, hello. And I hope you are all well, those of you who bother to read here. Until later, then, ta.

Hey there, folks!

2008-03-31T12:59:00.006-05:00

Inside my beloved Gator

Foxtail grass in a potted tree

Shepherd's purse, potted tree

Farm equipment

First apple blooms, horticulture greenhouse

Hi there. How were your weekends? Mine was ok. Busy, lots of cooking and housework and studying (not enough of those two latter; I cooked like a maniac, though). I'm starting the week off tired, which kind of sucks. Meh. I completely forgot to take my meds all weekend, so I wonder if the tiredness and semi-poor attitude has anything to do with that? I have no idea. I'm back on them again, thank goodness.

Not much new to report. It's raining and cold and horrible here today. I pruned trees for something like 45 minutes before I had to retreat - sleet/snow/freezing rain drove me out of the orchard and back to the lab. It's discouraging because I'm such a molasses-slow pruner that every moment really does count. However, slush building up on the ladder rungs lends the job a bit more danger than I should probably be chancing, especially given my general lack of grace. I don't need any extra assistance in falling off of a ladder, thank you very much. I guess I'll be spending the rest of the day scrubbing apple boxes in the greenhouse. Which is also very cold, but at least it's under cover.

I guess that's it. Snore. Maybe more tomorrow - we shall see. One of these days I will write something vaguely interesting - I promise! Until later, then, ta.

Quite tired. In a good way.

2008-03-27T15:30:00.006-05:00

Shadow legs.

Craggy old guy, right outside the fence of the orchard.

My girl. All the other stuff is extraneous.

I'm not really sure what I was doing with my arm here. Maybe pointing down the row? Showing how I carry the pruners? I have no idea. Dorkness. Anyhow, I am about 3/4's of the way through with pruning this row that you see here. It is slow-going because I am an uneducated ruffian with regard to tree-pruning. Good to be outside, though.

Blurry, and also - well, I was going to say I don't always look so grim. I do smile. I'm kinda tired right now, though, and the concentration on the self-portrait-taking seals the whole grimness deal. And yes, that is a zit that I could not stop picking at on the end of my nose. It would have been gone weeks ago if I'd left it alone.

The tiredness is from several days of outside work (YAY!), the usual school bit, and the shortness of sleep. Five, six hours per night? Anyway, lots of people work with that, and apparently I am among them, so why should I even mention it? Because I am being piteous, apparently. Moving on, then. I will sign in again tomorrow. Ta, and take care.

For lack of a more interesting greeting - hi.

2008-03-20T15:47:00.005-05:00

Milkweed pod, sans seeds and silk.

Another in the series of Anne's obsession with grapevine twistiness

North forty on a cold March day. Nice to be outside anyway!

My darling Gator, who I love oh so much.

Hi there. I am tired. I was in a terrific mood earlier, and I kind of still am, I'm just tired. It's a long week by Wednesday these days, thanks to school. Anyhow - I have to say this: HURRAY FOR ANTIDEPRESSANT MEDICATION!!! I couldn't feel much more strongly about this. Before I started on it this time (note: I should never have gone off of it), I was starting to cut again in small doses.... but most people never even consider such things, as I understand it, so small doses of cutting are really too much. And now I'm not. I'm not even thinking about it. I am even-keel, and I have been ridiculously cheerful this week - I have gotten a number of unsolicited comments on this note from classmates and coworkers. It's nice to know that I've changed. That's not to say that I'm going to become some happybot, because that's just not the way these things work... it's just that, boy, I feel so much better. Capable of joy, capable of ordinary happiness. That's pretty damned amazing. Well, I must vamoose, so I shall check in again tomorrow. Best to you all.

Monday. It always comes around, doesn't it?

2008-03-17T19:12:00.008-05:00

Paws. With unclipped nails on the back ones.

Shelby-girl on a pillow.

Again, with laundry.

And again, the whole picture. She's my friend through everything, including the dreaded study sessions. Which are many. She has also been my friend through thick and thin. Lots of thin.

Alders from below. Such a pretty, pretty blue sky. I couldn't restrain myself from doing the branches against the sky thing again. Seriously.

View of my lab from one of the orchard blocks. It's a pretty steep hill; don't know if you can tell or not from the picture. It's rather exhilarating driving down into that space you see.

Alder catkins blowing in the wind.

The same ones, sitting a bit stiller. I took pictures of these because they are starting to open up - to release their pollen. They're looking longer, more stretched out, and you can see a little green in between the scales. I took a photo of these same catkins awhile back (I'll try to link to it later.), and you can see the difference over time.

I am on my way home from class, so I really don't have time to write. What I really wanted to do is to dedicate this entry to Sher - http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2008/03/wcb-seasons-of.html . She loves her Upsie as I love Shelby. Best to you, Sher and Upsie. Much love.

Very exciting photos. And also - day three of the exercise regime! Huzzah!

2008-03-14T13:18:00.007-05:00

Hello. I am squinty.

Watching the camera handle dangle. And yes, I know - blurry.

My lab coat and my feet in my lab. AMAZING.

Happy Fridays to you! Also, my apologies for the plethora of cat photos. It's difficult to resist photographing her, and of course I feel the need to share her with the world, so - there you go.

Two things to address today. Or possibly one, we'll see if I can get to the second one right now or not. I have Lots of Work to do and little time to do it in, so we shall see. First - Jeci (http://www.blueyonbelly.com/) is with me on the whole disliking of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," and I am glad for that. I think Jeci is awesome, so it's nice to have some complicity in my distaste for this book with someone I admire. I too was bored silly by it - and when I was attempting to read it? Alas, I was trying to be cool. Which is a completely ridiculous reason for reading a book. The fact that I tried so many times makes me laugh now. I carried that stupid book from apartment to apartment, for years. I think it was finally ruined in a flood in the late 90's. Thank goodness. Otherwise I might still have the bloody thing. I always figured I just wasn't hip enough to "get it." This is quite possibly the case, as I am easily the least hip person I know. Anyway, yeah. Dumb book.

The other thing was going to be about the lack of tenderness in my life - something Kari agreed with in my comments below that particular post, if you're wondering - and I wanted to talk about that a little more. However, I am running short on time, and the things I want to express don't lend themselves to short time. Maybe next week.

So, my dearests - until Monday, take care. I hope your weekends are good ones. Ta.

Three things. No, four.

2008-03-13T13:13:00.002-05:00

1. Happy Birthday, Dad, even though you don't read this blog (thank goodness)!!

2. I worked out today, so we shall call this DAY TWO of THE RETURN OF THE EXERCISE. In all caps, no less.

3. I tried many, many times to read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." I could never get past about page 20.

4. I have nice hair.

the end. until tomorrow.

Take it easy. Also? Holy crap!

2008-03-12T11:44:00.004-05:00

Such is my response to my first real exercise in (gulp) months.

"Take it easy" is one of those catch phrases from AA, a group with which I am uncomfortably familiar. I have found this phrase's simplicity and applicability to many aspects of my life comforting. I say it to myself when I'm getting carried away by something or another, which I am prone to do all too often. This time, jumping rope interspersed with a series of calisthenics. While it felt good, it was also excruciatingly disheartening to come face to face with how out of shape I really am. Hence, take it easy. I can't expect to just bounce right back after such a long hiatus - it's impossible, and if I expect it of myself, I'm just encouraging failure. So take it easy. One day at a time. And yes, I know that one's from AA too! These little mantras can be oddly helpful. Anyhow, we'll call this DAY ONE - THE RETURN OF EXERCISE!

"Holy crap!" This one is easy - I can't believe the things I used to do with relative ease. Running miles and miles, climbing mountain after mountain, running stairs for hours, pushing and punishing my body over and over again, and loving/hating/loving every minute of it. I didn't need alcohol or relationships or food or anything else - just me and my body and the workout. How I was in love with it! And how I really do miss it. I want it back. And now, for some small goals - I need to keep them reasonable for now. The craziness can come later, when I'm fit again.

Three goals, in no particular order: 1. exercise every day, even if it's only going for a walk and doing some abs and push-ups. Every day! 2. get back to the gym starting tomorrow; go there at least 3 times/week - school will prevent much more than that for now, but 3 times is good. 3. get back in the pool one month from today.

There. I feel good. Until the morrow, b'bye.

Hello.

2008-03-12T09:24:00.002-05:00

Entrance to a local park that I love.

So. Hi there. (twiddles thumbs, looks bored...) I don't really have much to say right now. Things are same-old same-old around these parts. I am on spring break, which is nice - no going to school this week. It hasn't really felt like much of a break, though. Monday I was at the vet with Shelby until nearly 8 pm (vet was running very late; she's fine, but I am going to have two small masses removed surgically from her in May. Yikes.), and last night we were at city hall from 7 to 9:30 pm at a property reassessment meeting. Our city just went from a 24% assessment to 100% assessment and our taxes are going to increase by over $700. In my opinion, they were already way too high. Suck. I hate this state sometimes. The government is an enormous, obscene bureaucracy and the tax burden is just astonishing. And yay, Eliot Spitzer, you giant jackass! Feh. M. adamantly refuses to move anywhere else, ever. Blah blah blah, etcetera.

Things on the relationship front are also the same, which is to say not very good. We exist together but that's about it. I miss having someone care for me - I miss gentleness and tenderness. If I'm totally honest with myself, I have to say M. was never those things from the beginning. He did try. It's been a few years since he did, though. This may sound silly and overly romantic, but I miss someone simply touching my arm softly, or my hair; someone stroking my skin or kissing my forehead, touching my face, holding my hand. I have often claimed not to need such things, but I find that I sort of do need them. Or want them, anyway. Simple things like this. I don't long for anything more than that; just these little things. Sigh.

Man, do I sound like a loser. Pathetic. I feel as though all I ever do is complain. My apologies. I have to stay focused on the things I can do that are helping me - doing well in school and getting my degree, and continuing with the mental health improvement. Speaking of which, I forgot to take my meds again today. Never fear - I have decided to keep some of my pills here at work for just such a dilemma, so I shall take them now.

Bleh - this entry is dull and depressing. I shall sign off until tomorrow, after I have snapped myself out of this pity party act. Ta for now.

Monday, Monday.

2008-03-10T11:56:00.007-05:00

Another view of the microscope room, shifted to the left from the below shot.

Acid!

I'm cheating with these photos - I took them Friday and just didn't upload them. I know, I know - contain yourselves. How dare I force you to wait an entire weekend before seeing them. I understand - they really are that exciting.

Moving on. My birthday was yesterday. It kind of sucked. It's a bit silly to feel let down about how your birthday went at my age, but I do feel a little let down nonetheless. M. and I didn't sleep in the same bed again (his cough and snoring), and when he came into the guest room on my birthday morning, he said, "You know what day it is?" I answered, "My birthday!" He was like, "Yeah. And we have to change the clocks - it's daylight savings time." No emphasis at all on my birthday, no "happy birthday, Anne," nothing. Just - change the clocks. After that, I spent the morning cleaning the house because his family was coming over for a dual celebration - my birthday and his mother's, which is this week. The family arrived, and we spent the afternoon out to lunch and then at a St. Patrick's day parade. We went back to the house and I served up the cake my mother-in-law brought, made coffee and served that up, ate no cake myself because I don't like sweets, and then cleaned all the dishes by myself while everyone lingered until 6 pm. Which pretty much shot the day, because I also had to do the laundry and go grocery shopping. What fun! Yes, I know - I am martyring myself for a small thing. Wah, I had to do the dishes on my birthday, etcetera. I know. All I really wanted was to have time to myself - to read, to go to a local garden show, to relax. Instead, I spent it running around for M.'s family with pretty much no input from him. I do care for his family, but I feel like they don't really know me. I'm sort of a family joke in some ways - Anne who is "so smart," so vegetarian, so highly verbal that we can't understand her, who is weirdly ungirly with her non-make-up wearing and ragged clothes and ridiculous love for animals. They do respect these differences, but they also don't really get me, and they do all laugh about these things. I know it's in good fun, and that's fine, but it feels kind of isolating. I miss my family, my friends - the ones who do get me, who don't think I'm some sort of anomaly.

Anyway, I realize that this is all intensely self-centered. My in-laws are good people. They mean well, and they probably do care about me. I'm just really tired. That's my way of saying - again - that things aren't going well, and I'm too.... apathetic? energyless? exhausted? depressed? to change it. As I have said, my two main goals this year are to finish the nursing program and to address my mental health. I am actively doing both, so that's something. And some good news? That test I thought I bombed? I got a 94 on it! No, I'm not quite sure how that happened. Seriously. I'm pretty happy about it, though! On that note, I'm signing off until tomorrow. Best to you all.

The weekend is here.

2008-03-07T13:19:00.005-05:00

Lab stuff.

Best weekends to all of you. I am so tired. That will pass, I know. Meanwhile, I am so glad that spring is coming - the birdsong is so very heart-lifting. Stay well.

EEEEE. Also, hi. And here's my cat.

2008-03-05T14:12:00.004-05:00

Yes, I know it's blurry. Still, though - so cute, my girl! And - pshaw, I'm not biased. She's adorable!

Blurry again, but I love these little feet. I love that she's brown-tigery with one peach-colored back foot and a peach-colored toe on the other.

My favorite pose, the upsidedown kitty-head.

Hello there. I'm feeling a little wild at the moment - tired tired tired from days of little sleep, and I still have to go to clinical for six hours tonight. EEEEE. Do not want to go, DO NOT. I should stop complaining - I am happy to be training as a nurse, and I look forward to getting the degree. It's just that... I am so freaking sick of school I could just.... errrrr.... I don't know, split down the middle into a big pile of angry guts. Angry, screaming guts that refuse to do their homework. Underslept, annoyed, tired angry guts. You get the idea. Indeed. The exam last night? It sucked. I hope that I got at least a 70.

Moving on. I guess I don't really have much else to say. I'm doing some labwork these days, and the math involved nearly split my head in two. Normally it wouldn't cause more than a passing headache, but I think my brain is a little stressed out. Soon, though, I shall be working in the blessed outdoors again! WHEE!! I can hardly wait! I need to figure out some way to be an outdoors nurse. Hmmm. Any suggestions? Meanwhile, as per a discussion with My Shannon, I am falling ever more in love with the idea of being on my own. That's both good and bad, on a number of different levels. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but still - I had to say something because I'm bursting to talk about it in all of its pros and cons. Again, though - not fair to M., so I need to think about how I will talk about stuff and if I even should. Deb ( http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com/) had a good idea in that I should write it all down in a journal. That would probably help. I don't mean to sound flippant about the topic - I am anything but. I'm just really tired of how things are and have been for far too long. The meds? They are helping. On that note, I shall sign off. Until the morrow... ta.

Tuesday March fourth.

2008-03-04T12:55:00.002-05:00

Yes indeed it is!

I have no photos for you today, lame or otherwise. I left my camera at home in order to keep myself in the building - I have a midterm tonight and any spare scraps of time need to be spent studying, not taking pictures. And probably studying instead of blogging. I just wanted to check in. I don't have any real news for you. I could go on and on about diabetes, renal failure, and COPD right now, but that would just be boring. Come 5 pm tonight, though, I'm sure it won't seem so boring anymore, as I sweat my way through a midterm I didn't study enough for. On one hand, there is never enough time for study; on the other, I know I waste a lot of my (relatively rare) free time succumbing to the reading of library books. Escapism. That's what I'm best at, I think. Which is an entirely different entry, one that I would probably benefit from writing. Anyhow, hello.

Things on the home front. I want to talk about it, but I also feel guilty when I do. Nothing new has occurred. I am like a child with little self-control, though - I long to talk about how things are going, and I only barely stop myself from pouring it all out here. That wouldn't be fair, though, and I would hate myself in the morning, so to speak. So until I have something substantive and fair to write... suffice to say that my relationship is taking up a lot of my thinking time lately. I will share my conclusion with you, though - not that you haven't heard it before, you few who read here! - I really really believe that I was meant to be alone. Not friendless, and probably with several cats, a parrot, a dog, maybe a goat... but not in an intimate relationship.

On that perfectly brilliant note, I am off. I probably won't check in again till Thursday. I've had a total of 8 hours of sleep over the past two days, and the trend will continue tonight because I have to prep for tomorrow's patient. I hope you all are well. Ta for now.

Happy weekends to you

2008-02-29T13:11:00.008-05:00

Male cardinal chewing on suet cake, part one.

Same bird resting between chewings.

Another shot of the biting of the suet cake. I know - the window is filthy. I blame the birds.

This bird made me laugh like crazy because, one, he figured out that the suet cake would be yummy and good to eat, and two, he looked SO SILLY standing on his birdy tip-toes to reach it. I have since lowered the whole thing so that other birds besides woodpeckers and itty bitty guys like chickadees and titmice can reach it.

Because I have nothing else I feel like talking about right now, I am going to copy an email I sent to Price and Shannon (http://thekchorns.com/ and http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/). Feel free to add your own fears in the comments. Also? I will be out on Monday because I have an exam on Tuesday night, so I'll be studying at home. Hopefully. If I'm not, I will instead be reading a library book because I cannot control my non-textbook-reading impulses. Wish me luck.

Without further ado, the email:

My irrational fears for most of my life have been these:

1. Throwing my keys into my car by accident and then locking it. Corollary fears have been dropping my keys into the river (I used to have to cross a pedestrian bridge over a river to get to some of my classes in college, and I always felt as though I might lose the keys that way) and dropping my keys down a sewer drain.

2. Sucking my eyeball out with a vacuum cleaner. This one stems from the fact that my father told me this would be possible if you happened to put the hose up against your eye. I never would have even thought to do that, but my dad was all about being semi-paranoid with regard to potential injuries to his children or his wife. To this day, he actually *gets mad* at my mom for walking the dog. Why? Because someone might run over her. Yes, really. And yes, really, truly angry.

3. Being murdered in an empty public restroom. This one is a bit strange, and probably a result of watching/reading too many horror movies/books. There's just something a little creepy to me about a big, echoey, empty public restroom.

4. Putting my fingers through a baby's fontanelles, right into its brain. This points directly to the fact that I have handled very few babies in my time. I know they're more resilient than this, but it's still a fear to this day.

More recently, my irrational fears have mostly involved imagining someone violently breaking into our house. That's probably not terribly irrational, though, given the neighborhoods that we are immediately adjacent to. And you?

Over and out until March fourth! Ta.

Greetings.

2008-02-28T15:09:00.011-05:00

Set of turkey tracks, nicely preserved in ice

Close-up of same - love these tracks, obviously can't get enough of them!

Pebbles and ice. That's pretty much it.

Snow piled up between the horticulture and entomology greenhouses. Not anything special, just something I wanted to remember.

Tower O' Plates. These are made up of a media I invented (yes, really) to encourage the growth of Penicillium species while inhibiting the growth of other critters. It's not a huge accomplishment by any means - the world of media development is vast - but still, it's a little bit cool. Anyway, these are destined for experiments I'm doing today, tomorrow, and early next week.

Organisms I isolated from Honeycrisp apples. I would guess that these guys are of the genus Botryosphaeria.

Just in case anyone is sensitive to and/or triggered by stuff related to cutting, please don't scroll down. It's not a big deal, it's just stuff that you might not want to see.

My left arm.

Hi. So. I wasn't planning to make this into a post about that last photo, but I did put it there for a reason. The medication I am on really does seem to be helping, and more quickly than I thought it would. Perhaps the placebo effect is in play, but I really don't think so. I am starting to feel even, real, capable of joy and of responsibility and of caring about myself and my situation. And so many other things! Like perhaps being a better friend, something I haven't been in too long. This is why I think the medication is working and it's not just an artifact of thinking it might work. I am so glad. You don't have to warn me about the precariousness of this moment, or of the medication's effects - I know these things. I have been so down for so very long - stretches of years, truly years. Really, though, I am feeling better. My head is clearer, and I know that the medication might lose efficacy in time. I also appreciate the moments that it is giving me, though. I feel stronger than I have in a long time. It's still a nascent feeling, but it's there. I'm not all better yet, but I'm improving. The picture I show above is one way I have dealt with my issues, such as they are. There are scars all over my body just like those. Brilliant, I know! So pretty! What I am really saying here is that the medication works. It works, and it's worth taking. Thank you, Shannon, for encouraging me for so long. I love you so much for the way you have supported my general insanity since elementary school. I don't deserve you. Still, though, I have you, and I am grateful. And so, that's it for now. I will keep you posted. Until later,

Ta.

Hello, and goodbye until Thursday

2008-02-25T15:20:00.010-05:00

Snow bug of unknown variety. Landed at my feet while I was taking a walk. And yes, I know it isn't a snow bug, it's some sort of fly, for those of you who are entomologically inclined.

Nerve synapse in blue. That's what it looks like, anyway!

Up the lane in snow. All those tracks you see are from deer.

Pretty sky, part one. Notice the moon!

Pretty sky part two.

Chickadee on the edge of the dirty, dirty window feeder. This feeder is incredibly busy, but anytime I try to take photos, the birds freak out. So this is all you get, the end.

Shelby having dinner. I've been thinking about her age, and how I don't have enough pictures of her, so I've been more conscious of the photos I take these days. Here, I wanted to show her orange spot. She's a brown tabby, mostly, but she has orange mixed in, and of course I find that wonderful. I know you don't care about these details, but I do.

My sweetheart.

Me and my girl.

**********************

So. Once again, I don't have much to say. I've been busy today, and the weekend was more or less uneventful. Tomorrow and Wednesday, I will be at a work-related conference. Other news? Hmm. I didn't sleep much at all last night, thanks to my reading of a Stephen King story late at night. I slept in the guest bedroom because M. is sick again - much coughing and more snoring than usual - and I took advantage of the extra time to have the light on for reading. Stephen King, apparently, was a bad choice. I woke up every single hour, certain that I had heard untold horrors creeping up on me, and because I refused to put any limb out from under the thick, heavy covers (because, as you know, the covers protect a person from supernatural assault), I was a sweaty mess upon "waking up" in the morning. I use quotes because I was pretty much awake all night long. Yes, I understand that I am a big dork. The plus side? I have a vivid imagination, which is considered a good thing in some circles. Other than that, I don't have much to say. Well, I do, but I don't have the time to formulate what I'm thinking about at the moment. The two things foremost are these: one, I think the meds I am on are starting to work. I'm starting to feel an evenness that I remember from the last time I was on them years ago. It's brilliant, and I hope it continues. two, I am again considering my relationship with M. No need to go into detail until I actually have something to talk about. And so, on that note, ta, and I will visit everyone's blogs later in the week. Until then, best to you.

p.s. Weirdness in the last photo... over my shoulder, if you don't click on it, it looks like there's a window there. There isn't. And if you click on it? You see that it's actually the corner of my kitchen floor. Well, I see that, but you will just see a bit of floor. Huh? I have no idea why that happened, unless the disk in my camera is going bad. Can it do that? Go bad? The only other explanation is that I have a haunted ghost floor. Anyhow, again, ta.

Briefly....

2008-02-21T14:45:00.003-05:00

She watches me from here when I'm cooking, all neatly curled and sitting up straight. The squintiness is a result of the flash.

Hi there. I'm signing in to just, I don't know, say hello. The only things on my mind right now are very personal and immediate, and I'm not sure I should write about either one. Why not? Mostly because one of the things has to do with a friend, and her business is her own... and the other thing has to do with my being an adolescent twit, and we really can't have that, can we? Suffice to say that Thing the First is a wonderful thing indeed. I am so glad for my friend that I could nearly squeeze her in half. I may still do that - we shall see. Thing the Second is just silly, so I won't get into it. Again with the suffice-ness to say, this Thing the Second adds sparkle to my day. Shannon ( http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/) will know what I'm talking about, and she will shake her head at me. And probably laugh. That's ok, she's allowed - she's the one who has to listen to me prattle on all day long. :)

So... that's pretty much it. I'm tired today, but I'm doing well enough. It's lovely outside, bright and clear, and I just got to watch a female cardinal cleaning my windowsill of seed spilled from the window feeder - such a pretty little lady with her scarlet-tipped crest and strong, brilliant orange bill. More on the morrow. Ta.

Photos galore! Also - hi.

2008-02-18T15:48:00.010-05:00

These guys are growing in the hort greenhouse, acting like it's fall instead of February.

Not a spectacular photo, but I like the twininess of the vines. Again in the hort greenhouse - vines running amuck in there!

Just a piece of grass that caught my eye. The spiral kinda-sorta recalls the spiralling of the wires behind it.

Soybeans in the entomology greenhouse, originally grown as food for stinkbugs. Now they're just deceased, as are the bugs.

Queen Anne's Lace, all curled into a pretty little ball. Pretty to me, anyhow - I have a different definition of pretty than most.

Yet another shot of goldenrod. This plant was growing in the horticulture greenhouse. I have a weakness for goldenrod, as seen in previous photos.

A really dorky picture of me and my Shelby. It's no glamor shot of me, and I know it's blurry, but I love how you can see her butting her head up against mine. I'm not kidding when I say she's one of my closest friends. She's my baby.

Thank you all for listening to my dad-related issues, both rant and retraction. He's always been a central figure in my life. Back when I was a toddler, he was in pharmacy and then dental school. Instead of imitating my mother (doing the traditionally female role at that time - cooking, cleaning, etc.) by playing house, or with dolls, I used to heave my dad's giant science books up on my lap and pretend to take notes from them before I could even read or write (I just scribbled on pieces of paper). I remember seeing some kind of horrifying images well before I really understood them - I recall, for example, a photograph of a child who had bitten through an electrical cord. The picture was from an oral pathology book, and the child had died as a result of the incident. His or her whole face was shown. I'm sure my parents had no real idea of what I was looking at or comprehending - they were good parents. Anyway... I'm digressing. I always wanted to be like my dad, always. From my very first memories. I'm not sure why that is - I adore my mother; she is strong and funny and beautiful and sensitive and smart. I appreciate that more every day. However, I was always completely enamored of my father. He was my hero. He wasn't an easy hero at all. This bit that you've just seen, with my outrage and then my retraction? That's happened always and forever. He hurts me and I hate him, and the very next day, he's himself again and I love him fiercely. I am learning to accept this, despite my recent freakout. I am a lot like him - I'm sure there's no shortage of people in or out of my life who would say the very same thing about me. I'm a jackass one day, and then I'm wonderful the next. I know this about myself. I'm just now starting to make the connection, though, and understand what I have done to people in my life over the years. Hmmm.

Well, that's it for my introspection for the day, on paper at any rate. Sometimes I'm kind of surprised at what comes out of my mouth - today's entry is one of those surprises. I am sorry for the people I have hurt with my capriciousness and my ridiculous moods. I really am.

Time to get back to work. Until later, ta.

p.s. click on the photos - especially the soybean one - to see gorgeous detail. just saying!

Daddy issues?

2008-02-15T11:39:00.003-05:00

This is my dad.

I feel bad about the outburst the other day with regard to my dad. I wouldn't let most humans say a single bad word about him, and I feel guilty whenever I do. I've been thinking about that outburst, and about how so, so much of my life has really revolved around my dad. He has no idea, I don't think. Sometimes maybe he does, but I don't know how much. He infuriates me, he hurts me, he has been my idol since before I could read, and I still call him to ask him medical/science-related questions. I never doubt that he loves me - I know he does, a lot - and I am always surprised at how much he can hurt me even though he loves me. How can he not know that his words leave wounds? Over time, I have come to understand a lot of things about my dad. I think, anyway. He hurts too. He's an undiagnosed depressed person, he has a heck of a lot of anger (much like me, it would seem), and he is sensitive, insecure, and easily hurt. He worries too much, thinks too much, doesn't sleep enough. I've kind of known a lot of these things for a few years now, but it's still hard to really get. I love him so much, and I feel lucky to be his daughter. I wish sometimes that he would be a little easier, though - on me, and on himself. If there are any dads reading, please be aware of how much you impact your daughter's lives - it's probably a great deal more than you think. Given my absurdly bad relationship history, I wonder how my relationship with my dad has affected that realm. It has to have. Anyway, I love my dad. I am sorry that I said mean things about him.

Ta for now.

Sunflowers, not slush.

2008-02-13T10:10:00.004-05:00

Hello there. I am posting these pictures from last summer to spite the terrible weather we're having right now. It's hateful - sloppy and dangerous, many inches of snow, rain, sleet, freezing rain, ice - lots and lots of water in every imaginable state. I spent most of the morning up on the roof of my place of employment, pushing slush/rain/snow off because the building had sprung leaks inside (flat roof). It was pouring rain the whole time; I got soaked. Nice exercise, though. Afterward, for once, my habit of strewing my life around every space I live in worked out well - I had an extra set of clothing and an extra jacket to change into right here at work. Nifty.

Let's see... what else? Per seemingly usual, I have a whole lot corked up inside my frigging annoying head and I'm not really ready to put it into words. Bleh. I should wait until I'm ready, I suppose. I guess I could talk about my review here at my job. Mostly it went well, but there were two points of concern: foremost, the time I spend on the internet during work hours. This is a bad habit, I know, and I will be changing it. The other thing is my awful tendency to procrastinate on tasks that I don't like and/or am not good at - namely data collection and summation. To which I say - I will try to change my ways in this regard! My math brain is tiny and atrophied, like a dried up acorn rattling around in its hull. I get by, clearly - I do math nearly every day for my job - but putting together data in a usable way, and arranging figures that I've generated? So. very. hard. My boss says he'll help me in whatever way I need, I just have to ask. And ask in a timely fashion instead of waiting until both my and his head explode. I feel very fortunate, having the boss and the coworkers I do. The frosting on the cake? He says if he gets more funding (certainly not a guarantee), he will try to extend my stay here beyond October 31st this year. If he can't, I will certainly understand - I'm already here well past when I thought I would be. However, this place? I think it's my reward for moving to NY. It hasn't been easy for a lot of reasons, and often I wish I'd never left NH... but the work I get to do here, and the people I do it with? I couldn't be happier with either. The end, for now. Ta.

Better now!

2008-02-12T09:06:00.000-05:00

I'm calm now. Thank you for listening to my little temper tantrum. I think the therapy I've been doing is shaking a little anger out of me... normally I wouldn't lose it like I did yesterday. Anyway, I'm fine now! I had a civilized conversation with my dad, and he sort of apologized - as much as he ever will, at any rate. So - there you have it. I'm fine! I'll sign back in later... now it's off to the orchard to do some mouse-poisoning. Not my favorite thing in the world to do by a long shot... but someone has to do it to save the trees from being girdled, and that someone happens to be me. Ta for now.

Wow.

2008-02-11T20:06:00.001-05:00

My dad can still spin me.

I had my annual evaluation at work today, and I was (rightly) chastised for spending too much time online. I do, and I know that, and I was expecting to hear about it. Not looking forward to it, of course, because who wants to be slapped for misbehaving? No one, that's who. Still, though, I was spending too much time online. I talked to my parents about the whole evaluation thing - and you know what my dad said? He said I probably cried to get my way. Excuse me while I say....WTF? Seriously? Cry? To get my way? Because, what, that's the way I handle things? Ever? In my freaking life? I mean, seriously, ever? This is the man I have spent more than half of my life trying to please. A man I have spent years trying to live up to. And he thinks I "cry to get my way"? Fuck that. Fuck it. I haven't been the best employee, but, on the other hand, I am a good scientist, and I am a good employee. And I am keeping a house, going to school, getting good grades, and I am friends with my coworkers. My boss likes me, despite my stupid internettiness. My marriage has been hard, but with the help of my friends, I am dealing with it. And he thinks I cry to get my way? I can't even tell you how much that hurts. I am unreasonably angry about this. I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow, though, and - lesson learned, right? Pardon me while I punch the wall. Again. I have bloody knuckles from doing it the first time. Ta for now.

Sick to death of being a big fat fattie. But first, some unremarkable pictures!

2008-02-08T11:09:00.001-05:00

I kinda like this shot, actually.

A vain attempt at an artsy shot. Doesn't work, but still - nice color in the face of all the winter blahs.

Very brief appearance of a blue sky - it became grey again about 15 minutes later. Sigh.

View of the back of my tiny, tiny house, freshly painted last summer. Prior to this, it was drab brown on top and beige on the bottom. I much prefer its new look!

*****************

So, yeah. I am officially sick enough of being out of shape and butterballish to actually do something about it. You know how you have to achieve a particular frame of mind before you can successfully undertake a difficult task? I'm finally there. I have been terribly unhappy with my body for going on two years now, ever since the issues with my knees put an abrupt halt to my running days. I think I've kind of been in mourning over that fact - I still have a hard time really understanding that I will never be a runner again. I identify so strongly with that image because I was a runner for so many years; it's been difficult to grasp that I can't be that person anymore. I think my denial has really stood in the way of my getting fit again - ridiculous but true. But I'm there now... and if all goes as planned, I should be back in shape in time for shorts weather in May or June. My diet isn't particularly bad in terms of content (vegetarian and full of whole grains, veggies, etc.), but in terms of portion control? There is none. It's embarrassing to admit such a thing, but there you have it. I've also been fighting a losing battle with depression for the same time period, and I definitely tend to use food as a comfort. It has to stop. I have to get fit. I've been doing a decent job of beginning to address my mental and emotional health, now it's time to start taking care of my physical health too. I'm tired of hating my body, tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, tired of feeling apologetic about how I look to M., my friends, and the world. I know exactly what I need to do, and once I start down the right path, I know I'll be happy to be on it. I'm buying myself a present today - http://www.amazon.com/Weight-Watchers-Versatile-Vegetarian/dp/0764564072. One month from now, if I abide by my diet and exercise plan, I will buy myself a new pair of earrings... and two months from now, I will visit a funky little clothing boutique in Woodstock and get myself a new dress. I'm writing these things here because I want to be accountable - and putting it down in print helps.

I guess that's it for now. Wish me luck!

Very short aside.

2008-02-07T18:47:00.000-05:00

The very first song I ever taped from the radio (those of you who are old enough will remember doing this, and our nemesis was the DJ WHO KEPT TALKING at the beginning of the song or the end. Argh.)... was "Heavy Metal," sung by Don Felder. Remarkably enough, I still love that song, which is why I'm writing - funny to still love a song you taped (literally!) something like 25 years ago. Yep.

That's all I've got. Signing out from my local library, ta!

Cucumbers in February

2008-02-07T13:05:00.000-05:00

Hello there. I was feeling grey and down, so I am resurrecting these sunny photos from my garden of last summer. These are some of my cukes. Like the grape vines, I love the tendrils these guys produce - nature is endlessly beautiful, isn't it? I apologize for the blurriness - I was just learning how to use the camera when I took these shots. Of course, I still take (and, horrors, post) blurry photos from time to time, but these were blurry in ignorance. If that means anything at all, and it really doesn't. There will be no veggie garden this summer because I am a terrible gardener, at least when I'm working and going to school. I want a big garden, or at least a medium-ish one, and I plant it and take care of it until I get overwhelmed, and then M. winds up doing most of the upkeep and the whole garden thing wasn't his idea in the first place. So, instead, we'll just have flowers (and maybe a pot or two of tomatoes) this summer.

Anyhow, the crabbiness of yesterday has subsided. I'm feeling fine now, just a little tired. Thank you very much to Deb (http://tiredmummy.blogspot.com/) for being supportive in the face of my endless whining. Actually, many of you put up with that... but she hasn't even met me and she still likes me , I think.

I have a prayer request for those of you who say them, and I'm asking for good wishes from those who do not. A good friend's father has recently been diagnosed with what will probably turn out to be lung cancer; its operability is yet to be seen. She is in the nursing program with me and is considering dropping out of it because her father is her world. I know how that is - my own dad is incredibly special to me. I would rather she not drop out, and I'm guessing her father would say the same thing... but I will support my friend either way. At any rate, good thoughts and prayers are welcome - her dad's name is Don P.

Let's see, what else? Well, I've been doing interesting work in the lab lately, and I'm in the midst of a relatively interesting experiment. It's been too long since I've done actual science - I am very rusty at it. I miss it. I miss it more than I thought I would. Apparently I am a scientist at heart, even when I think I might not be. Silly, silly Anne. In other work related news... I took care of a trach patient on a vent last night. I can't say how much I admire those of you in the health care profession; I think it's going to bruise my heart over and over again. I hope will be up to the task. My patient was very sick, and with the vent, she couldn't speak. She suffers from dementia too, so I don't know how much comprehension she has. What I do know is that she has beautiful clear blue eyes, and she looks right into yours. When we were changing the dressing on her enormous sacral (over the buttocks) decubitus ulcer (formerly known as bed sore), I was the one holding her up on her side - she also has advanced MS, which makes movement difficult for her. I took her hand, and she squeezed it and looked into my eyes. It's hard, seeing stuff like this, participating in it. I want to fix everything and everyone (which is so very absurd, given how badly I am able to take care of my own self!), so it's difficult to feel so helpless. What you do, I guess, is the best that you can with your nursing care, and you try to treat every single person you come into contact with as a special, unique, valuable individual. We did a lot of care with her last night, and we did it well. I think the best thing I did, though, was to brush her hair. That sounds stupid, but it's true.

Ok, that's enough out of me. I'm not being very eloquent today - I know this because I have an urge to delete the whole entry. I'll leave it, though. Don't want to keep the peevishness of my last entry at the top! Best to you all, and I'll sign in tomorrow. Ta.

Crabby. Thoroughly crabby. Acrimonious, even!

2008-02-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am excited - inordinately so, most likely - about this purchase I just received today. Yay, staining!

Unknown rosette of leaves (chickweed species?). It's a mite blurry, but this scrap of green in the midst of all the drab, wet browns and greys and blacks is refreshing. Tiny (maybe 2 inches across), but welcome.

This shot didn't turn out like I wanted it to, but still, I like it alright. This is the result of another little traipse into the woods near my job - I had to get out of the building to ward off deepening surliness.

Another in the series of irresistable grapevine shots. This one reminds me of a lasso.

*******************

Hi there. Sorry about the long, long lack of posting. I've been busy and stressed and - as of today - in a pissy little mood. Part of it is hormonal, I'm sure, and part of it is unrelenting cramps. I started the day by having to change the sheets, lest M. come home and think someone had been stabbed to death in the bed. Which, you know, was a terrifically pleasant way to begin the day. The only up side was Shelby - my sweet sweet kitty girl - who loves helping me with this particular chore. She skids all over the sheets as I smooth them, collapsing onto her side, shooting back up in the air, dancing sideways, attacking wrinkles - eyes totally dilated - which never fails to make me laugh and warm my heart. At least if my uterus is going to be all spiteful and prostaglandin-y, my heart may as well feel good.

Moving on. I'm also simply tired and feeling down. And my first exam last night? Annoyed the crap out of me. It was vague, poorly written, chock full of typos (so many that it almost felt insulting - it took all my might not to go through and correct them all), and didn't really address in a satisfying manner the material we were responsible for. Meh. MEH, I say. Also, there's something going on in my life that I don't talk about here - maybe some day, but not yet - which has been wreaking havoc for over a year now. This something has reared its ugly head yet again and I am being forced to decide how I am going to handle a situation that is both delicate and disheartening. Not sure what I'm going to do, and none of my choices are particularly great. This is causing my head to ache and stress to swirl around evilly in my gut. So - yeah. Lots of small things are twisting me up.

I don't really have much else to say. I have a lot of work to get done here, and I already took my morning break with my squishy walk through the woods... so I suppose this shrill little post will have to suffice for the time being. Sorry about that. I'll write something of more substance tomorrow or Friday. Maybe. Meanwhile, take care of yourselves, and best to you all. Ta.

2008-01-31T16:43:00.000-05:00

I don't know the technical name for this thing, but it keeps the guide wire over the trees tight. I know how to use it, but I don't know what to call it. The shape of it is nifty, though.

More winter flowers - love the shapes.

Yet another sky shot. It's so hard to resist, what with the light and color and shifting shapes. It's just so lovely!

Another repeat - the grape vine. Really, it's difficult not to take scads of pictures of these tendrils - every single one is beautiful and differently twisted and unique. So pretty.

I don't have as much time to write as I thought I would. Basically, things are ok, though I was the woman of a thousand thumbs last night in clinical. The patient was never in danger, but I'm sure he was convinced that I had somehow hatched directly from an egg, skipped through to the point of being a nursing student, and appeared at his bedside. It was not a good night.

Anyhow... yeah. I have therapy again tonight, but (and this is a bit of a problem with me) I don't really feel like I need it right now. I'm going along doing fine at this moment, and I know I will sit there and blow smoke the entire time I'm sitting across from this therapist. Then, when the last five minutes roll around, I will say something striking, and then we will be all out of time, and then next time we meet, I will have forgotten what I wanted to say. Can't cancel now, though. Too late. I will try to get something out of it. At any rate, that's all... I'm off now. I'll check back in tomorrow. Ta.

Brief check-in, complete with lame-o pics

2008-01-30T10:01:00.000-05:00

Turkey feathers

Burning bush seeds on a gloomy winter day

It's a really grey, chilly, rainy day here in the valley - not a lot to take pictures of and not much time to do it in anyway. Hence the rather drab photos. Ah, well - it's something, and it got me outside for a few minutes!

Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive. Things are going ok. I've been really busy, so I haven't had spare time to post even a meager update. I don't have much time at the moment either - I just wanted to let you know I'm fine. That's pretty much it! Yawn. I should have a little time to write either tomorrow or Friday - so until then, be well. I demand it! Ta for now.

Today's photos - today!

2008-01-24T16:26:00.000-05:00

Persimmon calyx

Witch hazel calyces. Speaking of this little tree-let - the Latin name is fun to say: Hamamelis virginiana. Which brings me to my favorite plant family name of all time (to say) - Hamamelidaceae. There's no need to remind me that I am a big nerd.

Hickory nut on snow. Unremarkable, but I like the interior architecture of the nut.

It just looks cold. And it is.

Winter flowers, part one. Not sure of the species - probably an aster of some kind.

Winter flowers, part two. I think they're so pretty - delicate.

Not much to add at the moment. I'll check in tomorrow.

Yesterday's photos...today!

2008-01-22T08:41:00.001-05:00

Ahem. Yes, I know. Yet more Phragmites. These are a different set than I usually photograph. Really, they are! I just can't resist the cottony tops and the way they move in the wind!

Crows heading to roost. Thousands of these guys gather near the river every night - I see them on my way to class. It's a truly spectacular sight. This smallish group was headed southeast over the lab; they're about 4 miles (as the crow flies, hardy har har) from where they'll rest for the night.

Some sort of shelf fungi....phylum Basidiomycota. I'm not good enough to guess at the genus or species! Gotta get on that....

Deer and turkey trail in the woods.

Turkey track extravaganza!

Dainty hoofprint.

Another blurry shot that I'm posting anyway because I like it. Looks like a little green heart! (Lamium purpureum - purple deadnettle)

This sign makes me laugh - not because it's inherently humorous, but because I am an official Authorized Personnel. Who would ever have thought such a thing?! Not me. Also - I like the skull.

Good morning. I am feeling slightly better today, which is nice. Not much time to write right now - just wanted to get these rather non-fabulous photos up! I will check in later today, possibly. Until then... ta.

Go outside.

2008-01-21T15:57:00.001-05:00

That should be my mantra. I feel so much better when I get out there, so much better. I belong out there. I love the plants and animals and fungi and rocks and water and sky dearly, and being with them heals me. I stood in the middle of a frozen woods this afternoon, on a steep slope, laid my cheek on the bark of a lovely little tree and leaned there, just looking at the world around me. Relaxed, peaceful, free.

I have been so absurd for so many years. A broken record of repetitive behaviors that either harm or hinder me. Oh, I make noises like I want to change - looking back over the pages of this blog, I've made them many a time, and these pages are nothing to the years of paper journals filled with the same angsty crap. But do I? Do I ever truly throw myself into actual change? Not really. I'm afraid. I've been afraid for a long time, mostly just of stupid things, like rocking the boat or going outside my comfort zone or that stupid thing called "fear of failure." Fear of starting something is what it should be called. My fears this time are more tangible. I fear the loss of a relationship, of course, and of trying to find a way to get through that. I also fear, though, how things would end if they do with M. He is a hard person. That makes me afraid in a more solid way. I have so much work to do to leave this place I am in, whether metaphorically or in actuality - or a combination of both. I am ready for it, I think, really ready for it this time. I sincerely apologize to everyone who has had to listen to me time and again. I feel like such a fool for stumbling through life as I have. By the same token, I am happy for other things about myself, so my life hasn't been a complete and utter loss. Yes, I know I am being scattershot.

Anyhow, there is no new news right now. Life goes on. I love my family and my friends, and I hope they know that. That's really what matters the most.

I took some photos today - nothing very good, but still - I have become used to sharing something of my world with you before I open my mouth. I don't have time today. I will share tomorrow. Meanwhile - ta. Best to you all, and love.

Hello.

2008-01-18T15:26:00.000-05:00

Maybe it seems odd that I am still posting photos despite the apparent chaos in my life. To this I say, yes, maybe. However, it does me good to get outside and see the things that hearten me. And so I do. That means something in my little world; my answer to pain in the past has been rather destructive. That's a habit I am trying not to repeat. More words after the pics.

Just thought this looked cool - no other reason for it.

Common evening primrose, winter version

I know I keep doing the twigs against the sky bit, but it's hard to resist. I haven't quite figured out how to capture how lovely this can be, hence endless photographs that all look the same. In this case, I love the up-curving nature of these little branches.

Alder cones, part one

Alder cones part two, with a backdrop of catkins

Alder catkins. Love the color!

So. My life. I do not have anything new to report right now. We both went to bed - and soundly to sleep - at 7:45 last night. We haven't discussed anything of any seriousness, really. I told him a bit about my therapy appointment - which went well - and I emphasized that I really think medication will help me and therefore us. I didn't push, though. I have become angry about what happened Monday night, but I am trying to understand him, and I am trying not to lash out. I honestly do not know what is left of us. I want to be hopeful. I don't know if I can be, or should be. It's difficult to say very much right now without going off on a jag that will do neither of us justice, so I'll just be quiet for now. I love him, I think he loves me. We've hurt each other an awful lot, though. I don't know. I just do not know what happens next. I can just try to do the next right thing.

That's all for now. I apologize for the abrupt swerve into my personal problems. As I said, I may delete these posts at some point; for now, I will leave them as they are. Again, thank you for listening. Good weekends to you all. Until Monday, ta.

Greetings.

2008-01-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

**************

No photo comments today. I went out in search of beauty - it hides itself pretty well on gloomy days in January in the northeast. The above is what showed itself to me today. I'm tired, and I am sad. Nothing has changed. I am interested in school; hopefully my life will remain stable enough for me to get through it. At this moment, I am drained. I would like nothing more than to run away from it all - find a random, anonymous hotel room, and curl up and sleep and watch bad television and not speak to a soul for a few days. That won't be happening, though... I guess the next best thing is to go to my therapy appointment now. Best to you all, and thank you again for listening.

Update.

2008-01-16T09:45:00.001-05:00

Hello, my friends. Thank you once again for being there, all of you. Maybe this sounds silly, but without your support - here and via email - along with my coworkers and some of my classmates, I wouldn't make it through this. I call you my friends - and I really mean that. I couldn't be more fortunate in terms of a strong support system.

I didn't go to class last night - not a good thing, especially given that the dean of the school of nursing is teaching this class. Not really the way I wanted to be introduced to her, via an email telling her I wouldn't be there. I went home and crawled into bed, and drifted in and out as I listened to NPR there in the dark, my kitty by my side of course. A few hours later, M. came in the house - he hadn't realized I didn't go to class. He came into the room and said he had written a list of things he wanted to talk about. I won't go into detail, other than to say he admits his own culpability in the whole matter of our serious relationship problems, that he doesn't like the way he is behaving and doesn't want to keep living this way, and that he is at this point in time completely paranoid about what I might be doing behind his back. We talked a little - he more than I. Nothing was resolved, other than the fact that he won't be serving me with divorce papers imminently. That doesn't mean divorce isn't in the future, perhaps sooner than later; it just means that I won't be getting papers served to me this week. I feel a little stronger now - I generally do with a little distance and time for thinking - AND with a lot of help from my friends. I don't know how we can solve our problems; I don't know if we will stay together or not. I am exhausted, living the way we have been. He is too.

It came to light last night that my being away at school three nights/week for the past year - and at least one or two nights per week for the past few years - has worn away M.'s ability to trust that I won't cheat on him. This is his big issue - he has no trust. I represent his third long-term relationship. The previous two women (well, the first was a girl, a high school girlfriend) both cheated on him. Another thing that is beginning to be clearer and clearer is that M.'s relationship with his ex (who he was with for twelve years) was also marked by suspicion and nastiness on his part due to his lack of trust. When I step back from my own myopic view of the situation (wherein everything is my fault), I can see that his lack of trust affects every single aspect of his life. He is suspicious of everyone - his boss, his mother, his sister, the guy who cut him off in traffic, the banker, the deli counter person - everyone is out to take from him, everyone has his worst interests in mind. I am not exaggerating - he has actually said these very words to the letter. Certainly I haven't been perfect, not at all, but my problems honestly have very little to do with his. Let me rephrase that. My problems are his now, as his have become mine, but our individual issues were preexisting, and they were never addressed by each of us individually before we got together and ended up in this tangled, painful mess.

Anyhow... my priorities need to be these: finish school and take care of my own health, especially my emotional/mental health. I must take care of my future, which means finishing the RN. I must seek outside help in the form of talk therapy and probably medication in order to be well enough to either work through my marital issues - or handle a divorce. Right now, I don't know how things will go. I don't feel particularly optimistic; obviously he doesn't either. I still see a glimmer of hope, in that he is finally starting to admit that everything is not my fault. I have been a similar breakup, a fairly amicable one at that, and I still think about my ex every single day. I still have regrets, I still miss him and his family. I know how much such a split hurts. That's why I keep trying and trying with M. Divorce is one of the hardest life events there is, and its destructiveness echoes down through a person's life probably forever afterward. That being said, if he does not also seek help with his problems, if he cannot be a partner with me in trying to repair whatever it is that we have left... I don't think we can stay together. I hate this. I hate it. Life is hard. I don't suppose it's supposed to be any other way.

In some ways, I feel bad about being so public about my private life. Maybe I will take this post down at some point; I don't know right now. I feel as though I owe an explanation to you who read here, who for some reason seem to care about me. You are, after all, a very real component of my support system. At any rate, that's all for now. I have to go to clinical tonight, something I'm not really looking forward to in my present frame of mind, but that's life. That's just the way it is. I'll keep you posted. Again, thank you all.

UPDATED TO ADD: I shouldn't have to say this, but upon rereading, maybe I should: I have not cheated on my husband. I have no interest in having any other romantic relationships - when I say if things don't work out with M., that's it, no more, I wash my hands of such things, I honest to God mean it. I would absolutely not cheat on M. I haven't, and I won't. Enough.

Taking a break.

2008-01-15T08:10:00.001-05:00

Things are very bad in my world right now. M. left me last night. We fought, and he packed his bag and left. He says he will serve me with divorce papers this week. I am so hurt I can barely breathe. I will check in when I can.

Random photos, and so on.

2008-01-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

Bittersweet

Snow on twigs - again with the theme of branches against the sky, it seems.

Not a particularly good photo, but I like the textures and shapes. I'll play with them another time.

Daisy fleabane, past expiration date

Hello.

Thank you guys for your support. I always feel vaguely like a wine commercial when I say that - was it Bartles and Jaymes who said it first? How annoying. Anyway, thank you for listening. When you're being abjectly honest, it's sometimes difficult to know how you're going to be received, especially when you're talking about touchy things like cutting or drinking or overeating. Or even overexercising. Thank you. I am so thankful to have you guys, more than I can express.

Sitting and thinking, now. More on the morrow. First day of class tonight. Till then, ta.

Hi there.

2008-01-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Look - grass and wire! Kinda pretty, in a way.

I have things I need to say. I'm starting to get all stuffed up in my head, though. I don't like that I always say that I'm going to write and then I don't. Much has to do with my schedule - often, I really have no time to write. Other times, though, I don't write because I am having a hard time deciding what I need to say, and how to say it.

Lately, I've been getting more and more depressed. This isn't a new thing for me, but I am getting really tired of it fucking up my life as it does. I broke a test tube last week while I was cleaning scads of them, and the first thing I wanted to do? I wanted to take the broken glass and slash my arm open with it. That's really not an easy thing to put out there, into the internets. I pretty much always want to make everyone happy, and to think of me as a fluffy bunny. Something like that. A fluffy bunny with brains! Yay, smart bunny! Unfortunately, that's not the truth. Having a desire to cut yourself with glass isn't really a wonderfully normal or bunny-like thing to do. This is how I know I made the right decision to go and talk to someone about my mental state before I actually do take the glass to my arm. Or drink a case of vodka. Or eat my way through anything I can get my hands on. These things have been my tools. Before my friggin knees gave out on me, I also routinely punished myself with exercise. Things being as they are, I would much rather have the exercise. The rest of it is destructive. The exercise can be too, but given my 'drothers? Give me exercise.

I'm sounding negative right now, but I don't mean to. I'm being honest. I am nice, I am good, I am friendly and smart and thoughtful and occasionally pretty. I have a decent sense of humor, and I am a good friend to the handful of people who will have me. I am doing all kinds of things right now to improve myself. I am also sometimes suicidal, self-destructive, angry, self-centered, and horribly depressed. These are all true things, the good and the bad. I've been struggling lately, but I am on the mend.

I am working my way back to some kind of settled. I am working out again. I am starting school next week, so whether I like it or not, I will be studying again (intellectual engagement is good, even if I'm kicking and screaming about it!). I am seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist in the next few weeks. I am eating well, mostly, and I am trying to be as much myself as I can to the people I love and to the world in general. The pictures that I take are a boon - I have always seen beauty whereever I go, but actually capturing it at times is a pretty neat thing. The very idea that there is so much beauty in the world - my kind of beauty, which generally has to do with plants and animals and nature and such - snags my soul. It makes me NOT want to do something as stupid as cutting myself with a broken test tube. So, yeah. If you've gotten this far? Thank you for listening.

ta, until next week.

More photos. Of course!

2008-01-09T16:14:00.000-05:00

(click on the photos for better detail)

Again with the Phragmites

Lichen

If it's not obvious yet...I am in love with trees. Love. Have been ever since I can remember. Their architecture in the winter is gorgeous.

Love the shiny color against the grey!

Foxtail grass and lathehouse roof. I like this shot.

This is my favorite shot today - I love how the vine seems to continue the pattern of the wire. Pretty nifty.

I said I was going to talk a little about what's in my head today, didn't I? And now here I am, feeling reticent. My life feels fragile right now. Life is always fragile, of course, but we don't usually think much about it. Most of us don't, anyway. I am revelling in the one resolution I made, before the new year even came around - I want to see (and if possible photograph) the beauty all around me. I am constantly mired in reading/hearing about/talking about the horrors in life - murder and betrayal and mayhem, senseless pain, bad news. It is spiritually wearying to stay in that place, to listen to the din and the meanness and the anger. I wish I could just stick my head in the sand, but that wouldn't be a responsible thing to do. Instead, I will try to see and occasionally capture the beauty I live with every day. Nothing spectacular, but still, in its way, another reason to keep breathing. A good palate cleanser for all of the other stuff. I really will write more tomorrow. Until then, ta.

Yep. Silence = more pictures

2008-01-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

thorns and sumac fruit (a little blurry, but I couldn't resist the colors)

Wintertime Queen Anne's Lace

Grapevine

Hello there! First of all - thank you to Mariposa ( http://mariposatells.blogspot.com/) for her compliments regarding these pictures I take. I am pleased that they are appreciated; I am far from being any sort of photographer, so it's nice for someone to think the pictures I take are alright.

I have stuff to say, and I should have some time to say it tomorrow. My head is full of the pinging noises of random thoughts, so it's probably best that I gather them before I make too much of a scattershot entry. I guess that's it for now. Until the morrow, then.

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

I am a big dork, just like my mom. Oh, and happy new year! (sez Shelby)

So, hi there. I haven't made the time to post yet because I'm presently consumed with a bit of personal turmoil. I will probably get into parts of it, and leave other parts of it private; I'm just not quite ready to write about any of it yet. Change is in the air - it has to be, otherwise I'm not going to survive. Yes, the depression again, and also yes with some ongoing and increasingly bad relationship issues. Not all his fault, not all my fault, but definitely nothing much in the way of good. And so - more on this topic perhaps tomorrow.

I did not go to Ohio over my break; as seems to be par for the course of my life, I got sick as soon as I had a little down-time. Echoes of college and grad school. I always got sick on the breaks. I guess the body just knows when it can afford to crash. I'm very disappointed - there is very little I would have liked better in this world than to hug my mom, my dad, my brother, and my sister-in-law. I really needed it, actually, so it sucks that I wasn't able to go. I'm on the mend now, with a residual cough and red nose. School (dread rises in my heart) starts in a mere week and a half. This vacation wasn't nearly long enough to cover the exhaustion I felt. I wanted to go into this semester with a better attitude, but right now I honestly don't have it. I hope I can improve my outlook in the next ten days or so; right now, though, the thought of being at school or in clinicals until 11 pm three days a week is enough to make me sink into a deep blue funk. Given that I am presently already residing in deep-blue-funkville, that's not very much fun. Anyhow... yeah. Moving on.

I have no current pictures to share because I need new batteries for my camera. I hope to buy some tomorrow. I have some pretty interesting shots, including some of a massacre that occurred on the front lawn of the lab. Some creature or another got a turkey - all that's left are feathers and wings and a shiny breastbone, all frozen into the snow. Pretty macabre, but also kinda interesting.

My apologies for being a dullard. I'm emotionally rather spent, so I don't have much spark for writing. I wanted to check in, though. I have a laundry list of things I want to accomplish this year, some kinda-sorta resolutions, and of course the superhero plans to share. This pesky emotional crap waylaid me a bit, but eventually I'll have some stuff to talk about. Meanwhile, though, I hope you all had good holidays, and again - happy, happy new year! I wish the very best for all of you. *smooch*

Ta for now.

UPDATE: (January 4th) Had a long, good discussion with M. last night. Maybe things aren't as bleak as I thought. It's a good start, at any rate. Also - I officially have an appointment to talk about starting antidepressant medication. I have the urge to cancel this appointment on a daily basis - I have a ridiculous aversion to the very medication that could assist in a vast quality of life improvement - but I will not do that. I'll stick with it. Stay tuned!

Another thing - happy, happy birthday to Jeci (http://blueyonbelly.blog.com/)!! I hope it's a good one.

Lastly, I am gone for the weekend. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, a physical so I can start clinicals in a week and a half, but it turns out I am a SINGLE DAY shy of when I had a physical last year. The insurance company, therefore, will not pay for it. So I get to take more time off Monday afternoon to do this all over again. Whee. I'm just glad the nurse noticed the dates - I never would have. I am presently posting from my beloved tiny local library. So, on that note, good weekends to all! Ta.

A Christmas Spider!

2007-12-21T16:00:00.001-05:00

Hi! I'm fuzzy and have several eyes!

My apologies to those of you who do not share my love of spiders. Also, I haven't uploaded any new photos, so this is it for the next week and a half!

I'm off from work till January 2nd, when I will return with my grand superhero plans. I intend for them to be uplifting and good for me - there will be no self-flagellation if I can help it. There may also end up being some meds involved, as I do believe a pretty serious depression is looming and I will need every bit of help to deal with my Life Issues. I've been avoiding this possibility for far too long. Anyhow, I wanted to wish you all a very merry, safe, and fun-filled Christmas. At the very least, have a peaceful week, and take care of yourselves. I may check in from Ohio next week. Best to you all, and to all a good night! Ta for now.

Shelby-cat

2007-12-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

shortly before this photo, she was all wide-eyed and kitteny looking, not so squinty-faced and elderly looking. oh well.

The new favorite spot - hiding behind the field guides right by the heating outlet

Close-up

My heroes - Joss and Buffy.

So. Hi there! That last is in reference to my new soon-to-be superhero status. They are my muses - Mr. Whedon for his brilliant superhero writing, Buffy for her kick-assedness. Yes, I'm in my thirties - waning thirties, sigh - and Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my muse. So be it! My life is grim enough in its personal details at times that it warrants some wildly speculative dreaming about one's potential for superherodom and the muses therein.

I haven't yet made a list of my requirements for myself during this transition to some sort of superhero - maybe tonight, in between possibly writing some Christmas cards. Or maybe I'll skip the cards and just write my manifesto. Let me tell you, I am tired of myself. Something has to give. Yes, there are things I like about myself. Let's see.... I like that I have somehow been able to pull off this nursing school thing so far; I like that I am kind to the people in my life, and to strangers I meet too; I like that I have such love for animals and plants; I like that I have a decent sense of humor; I like the color of my eyes, if not the shape and the circles beneath them; I like that I am a good driver; I like that my cat loves me. There. See? I'm not always about the beating up of myself. I won't make a list of the things I don't like - for one, it would be counterproductive, and for two, it would go on for too long and end up disheartening me. Anyhow, changes must be made. I shouldn't dread going home at night. I should be able to love with abandon (as Aunt Purl said in her entry of 20 December: http://www.crazyauntpurl.com/). I should also take good care of myself, once and for all. It all ties together. (....trails off, thinking about stuff instead of writing it...)

Anyhow, I'll fill in some more details tomorrow. After that, I'm off from work until January 2nd. I'm hoping to drive to Ohio the day after Christmas - we'll see what the weather has to say about those plans - and if I do, I'll post from there. Ta for now.

Super hero? But first, some unrelated photos by request.

2007-12-19T15:13:00.000-05:00

my messy, messy office space.

afternoon's project: scrubbing dirty test tubes! fun!

whiteboard, bookcase, and etcetera

inside one of the lab refrigerators

south end of my lab

north end of my lab

random lepidoptera collection, entomology lab

flood from autoclave, because yours truly walked away from it while filling and got distracted. probably by something completely inane. was alerted to flood by the sound of water splashing on the floor. genius.

******************

So, there you have it - a mini-tour of my lab, in all its low-tech glory! Missing are shots of the microscope room, the cold rooms where the fruit is stored, and the women's restroom.

So... on the topic of superheros? I have decided that I need to be one, or at least give it a try. My life is out of control right now, and I'm downright sick of it. I have neglected my emotional, spiritual, and physical health for months on end. I am out of shape, chubby, sad, dispirited, and in serious danger of declining into yet another dark depression. My relationship with M. sucks in a big way, I haven't been a good friend - or even a lame-ass friend - to a number of people I really care about, and I have given less than my best to every single aspect of my life. I feel like a failure, and I'm really frustrated with myself for allowing life to just *happen* to me. I know better than that. I need to get with it. I have done this sort of thing all my life - I go through these brief enthusiastic phases when I try for a time to change everything bad about myself and my life. Inevitably, it peters out and suddenly I'm here again, right where I don't want to be. Maybe it'll be different this time. Or maybe it'll just be good to shake things up for a bit, try to take better care of myself and my loved ones for at least a little while. So - yeah. I'm going to aim for super hero - if I end up less than super but I still get something done? So be it. I'll jot down some plans for all to see tomorrow. Until then - ta, for now.

After the snow

2007-12-17T11:50:00.000-05:00

After the snow

Other photo - to match the entry below - after the snow

Drive home, part 1

Drive home part 2

Drive home part 3

Hillside behind lab

Coyote track

Bird prints

Hi there! I'm back. Not much time to write just at the moment (have to run out for lunchtime errands), but I wanted to get these pictures up. Again, not too exciting, but still - a history of my time here.

Spent the last several days shovelling like mad - yesterday was a torrent of sleet, snow, and freezing rain, which was not at all fun to clear. I will check back in later! Ta for now.

Boring photos...

2007-12-13T09:48:00.000-05:00

9:30 a.m. EST

Goldenrod with dusting of snow

Driveway/lathehouse shot

...but I wanted to capture the before-and-after snowstorm bit. It's coming down really hard now - we're supposed to get 10 inches to a foot before all is said and done. Not really looking forward to it, but.... c'est la vie! I was just informed that we're officially closing at 10 - four minutes from now. Snow day! I'll have to take the after shots tomorrow. When I took these, the flakes were tiny and hard - they are now giant and fluffy and a little wet, and to look out my office window is like looking through a curtain.

Well..... I passed my final assessment! I'll go into the gory details later - and there are some details worth writing about - so that's done. I would feel happier if I knew for sure I'd passed my lecture final (I'll find out next Tuesday), so I'll hold off on the celebrating until next week. Still, though - WHEW. The assessment was what worried me the most. I was so ridiculously nervous - had a starting heart rate of 108, which soon became 110, and probably higher after that. So - yeah. Yay! I think. The lecture final was a beast, though. Hold your applause until later. Off to clean my car and slide on home now... best to you all!

Until later, ta.

p.s. (writing Saturday, from the library) We got 10 to 12 inches of snow and I didn't go in to work on Friday. I took pictures on my harrowing drive home, and of our back yard, but none of the above shots in "after" mode yet - maybe Monday. I spent three hours shoveling snow on Friday. Not fun, not fun at all. We're supposed to be getting a big storm overnight tonight and through tomorrow - our region in particular is supposed to get several inches, and then a wonderful coating of ice over that. I guess that's it for now - I'm off to grocery shop! Ta till Monday.

Not ready for test tonight? Check.

2007-12-11T12:58:00.000-05:00

Multiflora rose

Icy branches

Hawthorn (Crataegus species)

Photos in place of words? Again, check.

Notice the similarity in the berry photos - these critters are in the same family, but are different genus and species - the hawthorn is a small tree, the rose is a vine. Both are thorny. The middle picture is a shrub I've been wanting to photograph - it has very interesting branches (haven't ID'd it yet) - and I still haven't found a good way to do it. This'll do for now.

Meanwhile, I'm panicking. Not ready for tonight's exam. Wish me luck.

p.s. I am irritated by the fact that the latter two labels are off-center. I can't figure out why (I have tried to correct it multiple times to no avail, and I am supposed to be squeezing in some studying!), and this foolishness with having to put HTML tags (I guess that's what they are)before and after every paragraph or sentence is just... very exasperating. Very. Over and out, then.

Plethora of pictures

2007-12-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

I should save these to dole out one at a time, really... but I don't want to. This is what I was in the mood to see today. They are all pictures from work. The last three are indoors, where I am most of the time now that it's winterish.

Winter Peach

Velvetleaf and wheel

sumac from below

staked trees - I did this! and there's a whole lot more of them....

old goldenrod in the sun

more goldenrod

farm equipment with weeds

lichen on cherry

more old goldenrod

cherry tree entomology experiment - used to have exclusion tents on the supports to keep birds and bugs out

c-sled (I'll find out why it's called this later; for now, suffice to say it's in place as a biological control for pesticide disposal - the plants are busy helping to filter chemicals)

apples on the ground; irrigation tubing down the middle

water distiller - insides. This thing has been causing me a headache for some time now, trying to get it cleaned and fixed.

top of my bookcase, office. Advent calendar, lantern, and feathers/snakeskin/weeds/black knot.

lab bench, various works in progress

That's all I have for you for now - lots of photos. I'm tired, and I have a lot of work yet to do today. I will be gone for the next four days - no internet at home, and I am taking both Friday and Monday off to prepare for exams. I don't know if I'll write or not Tuesday and Wednesday because I may be in a panic. I suppose that all depends upon how well I study.

On that note, I wish you all good weekends - and non-weekends. Best to you. Ta.

Sometimes?

2007-12-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

I want to throw things at the wall, or perhaps punch someone in the face. As usual, I am underslept, my marriage is all kinds of tangled, I am running to catch up with schoolwork that is due in mere hours - stealing time from my actual job, which causes me terrible guilt and stress, and you know what else? I have to wear a white uniform to clinicals. What sort of underwear did I wear today? BRIGHT BLUE. And you know what else? (tmi, but at this moment I do not care) (which should probably stop me from writing this, but no...) My period started just now. Which goes just about as well with translucent white pants as does bright blue underwear. (flails, punches at nothing, screams, froths at the mouth) Alrighty then. Ta. Until later.

p.s. (the next day) Also? I wore a red bra. According to my dear classmates, you couldn't really see the patriotic underwear - the white uniform completed the package - but really? You could, a little bit. Oh well. I'm less overwrought than I was yesterday, so now I know better that my underwear couldn't matter less. I apologize for the insanity. School/work/relationship issues have me a little nuts.

Sky shots

2007-12-03T16:09:00.000-05:00

I have a hard time resisting sky shots. I love the sky kind of the way I love the ocean, though I wish I had the same access to the ocean as I do the sky. I love the dramatic look of it, how it shifts in mood, how stunning the colors can be. Even now, after I just took these shots, the clouds beckon again, as they turn purple and indigo and violet and lavendar. Lovely.

Please pardon the power lines in these photos. They're there, and couldn't really be avoided. I have made two vows to myself with regard to photo-taking - one, I will find beauty where ever I am, and will take its photograph if I have my camera and two, I want to photograph all around this place that I work and love for the final year that I am here, in all seasons, every month until I go. I'll talk more about that later. Ta for now.

Monday

2007-12-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

Hi there. Some random photos for you, taken this morning -

Moth of unknown species. Just thought he/she was cute!

Common mullein (Verbascum thapsus) in our first snow. So soft! So wooly! So cold. Thorn. Not sure what species - might be Rosa multiflora. Was growing near blackberry and common greenbriar, so it's not those.... ********************

Alrighty, then. The crappiness I mentioned last week has temporarily abated. M. decided not to make any further issue of what happened Thursday night and was as sweet as could be all weekend. No healthy resolution, certainly, but I honestly do not have time or energy for that right now - especially due to the abject ridiculousness of the subject of his tantrum. We will have to come back to the issue once finals are over, though. I think he backed off for two reasons: one, I didn't dissolve into tears and pleading as I once would have - instead I was (rightfully) angry and I stood up for myself; two, some small part of him had to know how insane the things he was saying were. And so, onward with the week. I got practically nothing done in terms of school, so let the panic begin! I was just so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It's amazing how much energy passionate emotion can drain away.

Nothing else to talk about, really. Same old stuff - four hours of lab tonight, five hours of lecture tomorrow, 6 hours of clinical Wednesday... and myriad papers due in each. Not sure how it will all get done, but it will, somehow.

*************************

ALSO! Big thanks to my BF Shannon - http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/ - for my banner and basically my entire blog set-up. Isn't it just gorgeous?! I love it, love it! Thank you, Shan! Three cheers!

Until later, folks... ta.

p.s. Apparently, this particular format has taken away my ability to have paragraphs without doing some very minor HTML stuff, which Shannon has shown me how to do. It's still a big giant hassle for someone like me who is essentially lazy and just wants to type stuff in without worrying about such things. It's pretty much a miracle that I figured out how to upload photos - or even have a blog, for that matter. Anyway, please excuse the paragraphlessness/squished-togetherness of my blog right now. Until finals are over, I'm just not going to worry about it.

I've been tagged!

2007-11-30T13:46:00.000-05:00

How cool! I've been tagged by Velocibadgergirl for her five-post meme. Thanks! I won't be able to get to it today... I'm having a pretty crappy day, so I don't have the heart for it... but I will get to it on Monday (just a reminder - I have no internet access at home). So - thank you! That gives me something to look forward to. ******************* The crappiness has to do, once again, with my significant other. I won't get into details, but suffice to say things are very ugly between us. And I don't really know what to do about it. This close to finals (which are a week and a half away), such meltdowns really, really suck. They suck regardless, but it's worse when I know that this has the potential causing me to fail, and I'm not exaggerating. I am just so tired of the drama, the emotional rollercoaster, the frightening depths of this relationship. So very, very tired. On that note, bye. I hope you have better weekends than I suspect I will.

Need I say it? More photos. That's where my heart is right now, apparently.

2007-11-27T16:08:00.000-05:00

White oak leaf, among others

Up the lane

The last dandelion!

Red oak leaves

Cherry branches and sky

Birch and sky

*******************

That's all for right now. Presently, I'm trying to think of some reason not to go to class. I do this every week. I never find a reason not to go. I'm very tired of school, and I'm very tired of having these long, long days. Buck up, right? If I pass, I have three more semesters of this!

Anyhow, ta for now. I'm tired. Wish me well.

Wonderful...

2007-11-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

...wonderful website: http://www.blindhorsesings.com/blog/ This is the blog of the director (and angel) of the Catskill Animal Sanctuary, where I volunteered for two and a half years, before my knee crapped out on me. I have been remiss in not posting a link to it sooner. You can also visit the Sanctuary's website here: http://www.casanctuary.org/ This organization is dear to my heart. All I'm asking for for Christmas, in lieu of gifts, is that donations be made to it. It's worth so much more than any sweater or book or bauble. Over and out until later! Ta.

Just because I feel like writing...

2007-11-26T21:22:00.000-05:00

The Lab, already pictured on 9 November

I was looking at this photo, thinking how much I love the view. It's so pretty, and it's not even as good as the view from way up on the hill. This photo doesn't really give you a good perspective on how steep the drive is from which I took this shot. Anyhow, I was looking at it, and thinking about how fortunate I was to land here. I know, I know - blah blah blah, lucky, yay, Anne loves her job... but still... I do. I mow that entire lawn, of which you see only a tiny portion; the part closest up I only mowed once because it's so steep and I had to use the deck mower behind the Gator, and I wasn't very good at it. That roof? I climbed up on top of it to rescue a crow from the chimney, using an 18 foot bamboo pole with an insect net duct-taped to the end of it. He survived, and his name was Sooty, for all the friggin creosote he had all over his feathers. He was a skinny little bag of feathers when I got him out of there (in the midst of a pouring rain, no less). The pointy and/or square shrubbery? I did that! I had never handled an electric hedge trimmer before in my life. Not a big deal, but still - it was fun for me, and it didn't turn out half bad. I was constantly afraid that I would somehow level them all to the ground by accident, or, conversely, trim off 0.1 mm from each and have a jungle growing out the next week. Or perhaps I would carve them into odd shapes. One worries. What else can I say? That guardrail running down the middle of the road? Under that, right in front of the building, was where I ran out and picked up Mac, the kitty who got hit by a car (and ended up with a fractured femur and of course road rash and multiple contusions). He ended up right there, somehow, and so avoided being hit again. He is now alive and happy and living with a couple a bit north of here. So many, many times I've gone down that drive, the steep one, in my beloved Gator.

I guess that's it for now. Reminiscing. It's nice to have the chance to do that from my current perspective.

Best to you all.

Ta for now.

So.

2007-11-26T16:50:00.000-05:00

Look! Mold!

My shoes.

Glassware.

**************

All kinds of thrilling, eh? I just wanted my head and so forth off the top of the page. It was dark outside, so I was forced to come up with something indoors. Behold.

How were your Thanksgivings? Mine was kind of... meh. That's really all I'm going to say right now. The food was good, I loved the people.... and that's all.

Nothing more to report. Doing lots of studying, lots of extraneous reading that has nothing to do with school, and apparently avoiding getting back into shape. I am an amorphous blob right now. I do intend to change that, don't worry.

That's all for now. Until the morrow, ta.

The author. Prepare to be horrified.

2007-11-21T15:53:00.000-05:00

Hi. I'm really serious all the time.

And I always press my lips together this way.

I am SO TIRED. But I'm trying to look awake here. I still appear to be horribly underslept and also very serious for this shot. Or worried. All of those things are true, so maybe this is a good photo of me.

Gratuitous cleavage shot, just because. This is actually what I'm like. Dorkness, eating a tree. ******************* Happy Thanksgiving, my dears.

Good weekends to you

2007-11-16T16:23:00.000-05:00

Bittersweet

Yep - one more maple!

I look exactly how I feel - tired, blurry, and old. Sigh. Bonus points for the hairstyle! I got it from working outside, moving trees into the greenhouse.

Good weekends to everyone - be safe and take care.

Ok, so maybe I'm all about the pictures these days.

2007-11-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

Blurry leaves... hadda leave the image because I love the color

Foxtail grass against deer fence post, outside the orchard Maple leaf against canopy

Let it never be said that one can have too many photos of maple leaves.

Down the corridor outside the deer fence - if you look very closely, you might see the herd of turkeys at the end of my view (click to see a little more closely). I stalked them for awhile, but I'm not particularly stealthy, and they were wise to me from the start. It was a hen with this year's brood. I got to hear them talking to each other as I passed by where they'd darted into the brush! Turkeys are funny.

********************

I'm no artist, but I do appreciate beauty. As I have said before, this is the sort of stuff that lights up my heart and soul. I've always loved trees and plants and critters... and I do wish I could do them more justice, but this is ok for now. I'm a little frustrated because so many of my shots come out blurry (apparently the hand isn't always as steady as the eye), and I don't understand yet how to do good close-ups. I took a bunch of pictures on my little afternoon walk, but only the above shots turned out semi-ok. Disappointing... but it was still very good to get outside. I'll eventually learn more about how to take good photos.

Ta again, for now.

Photo of the day

2007-11-15T14:05:00.000-05:00

Phragmites field

Another shot I somehow forgot to publish. Yes, it's through a fence, but I still think it's pretty. As you might have noticed, I love me some Phragmites.

I need to point you in the direction of this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/samiam9610 - the wonderful Sam has made my favorite bladder campion photo vividly gorgeous - crystal clear, and stunning with the color. You should peruse her photographs - she takes fantastic pictures, better than I ever could. Thank you, Sam, for the loveliness!

Clinical was tres fun last night. Without going into a lot of detail (because I haven't the time or patience at the moment), we got to care for "patients" in our Sim Lab (instead of going to the hospital) - the mannequins there have vital signs, including lung and bowel sounds, and are largely anatomically correct (e.g. I had to catheterize my patient last night to obtain a urine sample). They also have microphones, and the people running the lab had a lot of fun with that - we had something of a comedian in the control booth. The Sim Lab is just a terrific resource - we are so fortunate to have it. I learned a lot last night, most especially about the things I am not proficient in yet. Thrown into such a situation, we all made ridiculous mistakes, elementary ones. I think frequently you tend to learn more from the mistakes you make than the things you do right. Since we made mistakes in abundance, I'm sure we all learned a lot! At any rate, we laughed through much of the evening, even as we got a ton of work done. It was very nice.

Let's see... anything else? Well, I'm tired. That pretty much sums things up for me.

Per usual, I have things I'd like to talk about, but I am time-restricted. What a boring old excuse. One thing that's on my mind: I need to get in shape. Badly. I think that's the next thing that bears discussion, once I decide to have time to write about it. Yes, more boringness, but that's just the way it goes!

Until later, ta.

Picture for the day

2007-11-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

Bladder campion

Can't believe I didn't post this one yet - it's one of my favorites. It reminds me of a bunch of balloons or something - I just like it. I laid on my belly out in the orchard to get the shot. I love recording the beauty all around me - it's somehow very satisfying.

I don't have much time to write today - or any day, it seems. I have clinical tonight, and naturally I still have prep work to do for it. I had an exam last night that I didn't do well on, so that's a bummer. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about all the stupid mistakes I had made. Simply spending an extra hour or two studying would have made all the difference in the world. It wasn't a difficult test by any means, so I'm pretty annoyed with myself. I have a high B in the class presently, but it's likely I got a C on this test, so down goes the grade. The final is worth 40%, so if I kick ass on that one, I should be fine. Enough about that.

Let's see... anything else worth reporting? Not really. Not that I have time to discuss at any rate. I may check back in later.

Ta for now.

Apropos of nothing...

2007-11-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

...but man, do I love driving. It's raining now, and dark, and there are big trucks on the road. I love this kind of driving - fast and challenging and dark and with loud music. I will give you this caveat (which is unnecessary, given that anyone who reads knows I have no children) - I have no kids. And so I won't be lost to kids if I die with my driving lust. M. would be sad, but at least he would get my share of the house and whatever sort of money I might leave behind. I'm not trying to sound like an idiot, though I probably do... it's just that I really, really love driving. And I'm good at it. I once knew a guy who told me I was better than him at it, and that was something I was never supposed to share with the world. So long as I don't say his name, I think I can say what he said without terribly dire repercussions. I'm on my way home from class, stopped at work. The above occurred to me as I was driving next to a semi, in the darky rain, with music blasting (smashing pumpkins, some kind of beaty, screamy sort of anthem) (clearly I'm no music-o-phile). And I could have done it for hours. Like I said, apropos of nothing. Let's see. What else? I had lab tonight, and then I had to go and complete a CD thingie about fractures and traction. And then I practiced stuff. Yep. Anything else? Let's see. My hands are all dried out because I've been working with soil all day. They look cracked and raw, which is always sexy. Why someone would go into a mud bath on purpose, I have no idea. I guess that's it. More on the morrow, when I'll be panicking about the exam I have tomorrow night.

News blackout.

2007-11-12T15:10:00.000-05:00

I don't have television, and for that I am glad. I don't need extra crap pouring into my eyes and ears, other than what already goes there via living in the world. The news tires me (I specify the news because I have no idea what's on television these days, and mostly I'm glad. Yes, I love House, but that's really all I know about. And I'm glad.). I do what I think I can to affect what goes on, especially in the US. I'm so tired of people being jackasses, and I'm also tired of what people feel is reasonable to report. The headline that set me off? "'Human error' likely caused oil spill" Likely? Huh. Let's think about this, just for a moment. Ok. DUH. OF COURSE human error caused the f-ing oil spill! What the bloody hell is "likely" supposed to mean? Titmice took control? Golden retrievers were running amuck onboard, upending some tank that shouldn't have been upended? And then... Tigers, lion down to skin and bones at house - I hate people. I hate them. The fact that I also love them and want to help them is... not exactly problematic, but... ok. YOU try not to have issues with humans when they're this jerkish. --------------- That is all. For now. No more news, not for a week.

Blue Jay!

2007-11-12T12:12:00.001-05:00

At the feeder! First time I've seen this season. It's exciting because they're beautiful and full of character, and also WAY too big for the feeder, so they look ridiculous. They also announce themselves loudly before coming in. I'm trying to figure out how I could get pictures of them - any of them - without scaring said them. Haven't worked it out yet. Ok, enough. The pH project is coming along nicely. Thank you for asking.

HI!

2007-11-12T09:18:00.001-05:00

Hi there. No pictures today, as I have forgotten to charge my camera batteries. Drat. I probably won't be checking in a ton this week. I didn't study like I should have over the weekend, and I have a test tomorrow night. Also, I had homework I didn't do. I wasn't feeling well - draggy and exhausted and just out of it. Which are, of course, excuses. True, but still excuses. That means no sleep for Anne for the next three days, as I scramble to catch up. I started the morning off with puffy, barely visible eyes - something that will apparently be setting the theme for the week. Ah, well. Who am I trying to impress? NO ONE, that's who! Anyway. Moving on. The bird feeder is back up on the office window again, and being raided regularly by titmice, chickadees, and (of course) house sparrows. I can't recall if I already told you this or not. I'm pleased to be watching them again, and look forward to the cardinals, jays, and flickers rediscovering this food source. I just love watching them. I've got nothing more right now. Oh, the hideous boringness! I may check in later to give you scintillating details of a soil pH project I'm doing right now. Very sexy stuff. Ta for now.

Two more pictures.

2007-11-09T13:25:00.000-05:00

These got left out somehow yesterday. Just wanted to get them posted before I delete them from my computer.

Needle nose shovel, trowel, and apples. Oh, and dirt.

Which I was sampling. We're creating a pH profile of the soil in one of our orchard blocks.

The Lab, where I am lucky enough to be employed for another year. Love it, love it, love it.

*******************

Not much more to say today. Got a weekend full of studying ahead, maybe a dinner out one night, and a fervent desire to get back to my workout schedule before I complete my apparent journey to Giant Sized Annehood. Hopefully I'll be lifting weights and then swimming laps round about this time tomorrow.

Until later, ta.

Millet and other things

2007-11-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

Hi there. More pictures! I don't have much to put into words at the moment, for various reasons... so let the pictures do my talking. Yes, that's a cheap way out of writing, but so be it.

******************

Casey, my parents' golden. She is a doll, and she's getting old. I hate that.

My wonderful, beloved Dad, and Casey. Love the upraised paw!

This and the above photo were taken by my mom.

***********************

Hillside across from the orchard Another hillside shot. These were taken by a coworker. He was trying to capture a patch of sunshine on the hill, but the clouds weren't cooperating. Still pretty, though. *********************** These following shots were taken by me. Henbit, in the mint family. I laugh about these "weeds" I photograph (I love them, but I guess they are weeds, given where they are living) because they are growing in the herbicide strip in the tree rows. Herbicide, meaning - death to plants that aren't the trees -and it can damage the trees too. I love that some of these guys don't care. I would have a different attitude, I'm sure, if my livelihood depended on the crop. For that reason, I do not mind pesticides at all. A conversation for a different day, I suppose.

Flowers and fruit.

Another dramatic November sky. Beautiful.

Gold and blue.

****************************

And now? Millet, the series. First, an explanation. I feed birds from a small feeder attached to my office window. I am lucky enough to have a boss who, though he doesn't really love it, lets me get away with doing this. I am very grateful. For two summers now, we have had a lovely crop of sunflowers all across the front of the lab - thanks to my bird feeding ways. I think they actually added to the look of our lab, so I don't feel too bad about them. This year, my feeder spawned a crop of millet. It's only under my office window (whereas the sunflower seeds had been carried away, so were more dispersed across the front of the building), and it makes me laugh because... well, it's just so striking. I think it's pretty. You can look for yourself and see what you think.

Right under my office window.

An off-center close-up.

Another close-up.

...and the last close-up.

I think they're pretty.

**************

That's all for now. Much work to do. My advice for the day? Get outside. It's lovely, and it's real.

Until later, ta.

Late night entry

2007-11-07T21:53:00.000-05:00

I am hungry, so I present you with out of focus food photos. Which are also in the wrong order, but I'm too lazy to go back and switch them around. These are zucchini cakes. They are very, very yummy. I have decided that anything in cake form that is fried is probably a good thing, so long as it's savory and not sweet. I cannot abide the sweetness that so many humans seem to crave. I understand it, but I don't really get it. Kind of like some forms of art. It takes a certain sort of appreciation to really get, say... Jackson Pollack. I don't, much like I don't get chocolate or Pop Tarts.

Anyhow, moving on.

I'm on the way home from school. I popped in to put some soil samples in an oven so I can work with them tomorrow right off the bat. Because I'm practically a new hire here! And I need to impress my boss! Ahem. Seriously, I did need to do this. And I also needed to blog, apparently. I had a very good night in clinical. I think I really want to work in the ER, eventually. I loved the pace, I loved the knowledge flying around, I loved the need to know things fast and on your feet, and I loved seeing all different sorts of cases. It was awesome, and as usual the nurses were just great. I wouldn't want to go there right after graduation, but I am very attracted to that particular specialty. Note: I didn't see major trauma because the other area hospital is the draw for that, so I still haven't seen the kinds of things in humans that I've seen in animals, so I shouldn't be so quick to say this is what I want to do... but still, I liked what I saw.

Alrighty then. Time to close up shop and go home for a few hours.

More later.

Ta.

More beauty, of sorts

2007-11-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

Another image-heavy, content-light post. First, I want to direct anyone who comes here to read a wonderful tribute, written by Shannon for her lovely grandma Muriel. See here: http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/?p=329 Pictures now.... (click on them for better detail)

Maple in the hedgerow, orchard.

Again, but different maple. Blurry random shot of flowers and apples, orchard (0f course!)

Poplar leaf

Pokeweed plantling in the herbicide strip. (laughs)

Another maple in the hedgerow.

Evening sky in the "north forty"

Random asters, again in the herbicide strip.

Shelby, sneaked into a pile of outdoorsy photos. And yes, those are my dirty socks there on the floor. Niiiice. Still, though - cute kitty.

My other baby - my beloved Gator. I wish it was mine, anyway. Such fun!

You guessed it - more maples. They're just so pretty.

Cameos, still on the tree in November. And they don't taste half bad!

Apples on the ground next to a soil sampling site.

********************

That's pretty much it for now. I'm tired, somewhat frustrated and probably very disgruntled and annoyed - and none of that makes for good reading. Endlessly thankful, though, that I get to work outside as much as I do. I love it.

On that note, I'm off to prep about fifty gazillion soil samples for pH testing... and then I go to clinicals. Tonight I am observing in the ER - I'm cautiously excited.

More later.

Ta.

Beauty.

2007-11-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share. These are the things that make my world a good place to be. This is the sort of gorgeousness that gets me through the day, that lights my soul up. I hope it helps you out a little bit too.

...back to work with me.

ta.

Hi.

2007-11-05T10:33:00.003-05:00

Not much to say. I'm feeling kinda down right now. In lieu of actual words, I present you with the world's most boring photographic series: "My Morning Commute"! Without further ado:

Down the big hill.

Through the never-ending construction.

Driving...driving...

Round the bend at an apple orchard

Down the other big hill

...and in the home stretch. I work past that red building.

The end.

********************

Just a few notes: my love and prayers go out to Shannon and her family right now - similar good thoughts from you guys out there would be nice: http://westeringhills.weblogged.net/

Sher - I made your mac-n-cheese (http://whatdidyoueat.typepad.com/what_did_you_eat/2007/01/macncheese_off.html) for the third time last night. It is absolutely fantastic.

Jeci - I missed you too! And I am a big, fat bum for not catching up with you yet. I have been feeling guilty about that for weeks now. I'm sorry. Belatedly, welcome home from your great adventure! (http://blueyonbelly.blog.com/)

That's all for now. Out into the orchard with me for most of the day. Ta.

Delicious...

2007-11-01T07:50:00.000-05:00

Hot soup. Mmm....

Just wanted to check in to say I'm friends with school again. Kind of. I had a good night at the hospital - worked on an interesting case and got to do a lot of cool stuff for the first time. This goes a long way in making the rest of school bearable. The nurses were awesome to work with, as always - so patient, and generally willing to explain stuff.

Above is the minestrone I made over the weekend, cooking away on the stove top. Man did it ever turn out well! I have some of it here today for lunch. Which no one cares about, but hey - my blog, my tales of lunch.

Alrighty, then.... gotta go. More soonish.

Non-celebrity blogging, at last!

2007-10-29T19:57:00.000-05:00

Cortlands, past harvest

(sigh of relief) There is no celebrity male gracing this entry, thank God. That was a bit of a bender I went on there. Enough! This photo was taken two days ago, out in the orchard, on a last minute harvest of Cameos. These are, as the caption says, Corts. At this point, though they may look pretty, they are mealy and or/half rotten. They do make a nice photo, though.

I'm stopped at work on my way home from class. Class sucked, as it has a tendency to do. Too much information, not enough time to practice it in. I generally have a bad attitude this semester, though. I'll make it through, but not happily. I'm tired, and I'm tired of learning. I should qualify that - I love to learn, but I suppose I don't love learning on someone else's schedule, and MAN am I sick of school. I want to take school by the throat and shake it. And maybe kick it a few times. I almost hate it. Almost. (who, me? having a good time in school a mere several weeks ago? you must be mistaken)

Anyhow, I'm tired. I must carry on. (shakes fists in the general direction of school)

Let's see... what else? Well, hmm. I made a lot of food yesterday. Zucchini cakes with tomato/feta topping, minestrone, linguini alfredo with broccoli, a tangy roasted eggplant dip/spread, and a quick salad of broccoli slaw with Ramen noodles, diced red pepper, scallions, shredded carrots, and a vinegrette dressing. That's supposed to last us through the week while I'm not home and therefore not cooking. I was pretty pleased with myself - everything is yummy. It really is.

And what else? I'm feeling irritated with my home situation. That's nothing new. What I really need to do is to overcome my apparent hatred of school, get the damned degree, and change things.

Indeed.

Enough. More on the morrow, when I will hopefully post something a bit more coherent.

Ta.

(I originally posted this on Monday night, then took it down because it seemed too negative, but I read it again and decided it's pretty much true. I am feeling less negative today, though. Except that I'm dreading clinical tonight because I am very, very tired of my instructor. That just now occurred to me. If I had a different teacher, I seriously don't think I'd be half as stressed. I do like her, but as with everything else, I'm just tired of her and her ways. Ahem. /digression)

I was also tired of having a celebrity-related posting at the top.

So, I repeat - more on the morrow.

Celebrity sighting, or my encounter with a television star in the frozen food aisle.

2007-10-29T08:36:00.001-05:00

...so there I was in the frozen food aisle, smiling and nodding at a tall man with his son sitting in the grocery cart. He smiled and nodded back, and I went on my way, thinking, "Huh. He looks really familiar. How do I know him?" I couldn't think of how or where I might have met him. I turned the corner and went down the next frozen food aisle and saw him again - and again, I thought how do I know this man? Still couldn't figure it out. A woman then rounded the corner at a crouch with a big, silly grin on her face, staring at the guy's back. "It's him!" she hissed to her husband, "I want to get his autograph!" Her husband just looked embarrassed and told her to knock it off. That's when it finally dawned on me that, duh, I know him from television! We haven't had television for...let's see...four and a half years now (we have a t.v. set and we watch movies, but no cable so no t.v. shows), though I do watch it when I'm at my parents' house visiting. When I got to the check-out aisle, the cashier was talking to the woman in front of me, who was saying, "So that was really him, huh?" The cashier nodded and said he lives in Woodstock (which is about 20 minutes from where I live). So... who is this mystery man of whom I speak?

Vincent D'Onofrio

Pretty cool. He seemed like a decent guy. I just felt kinda bad for him because he was being stalked through the store by grinning women looking for autographs!

Just to let those of you who didn't know the fellow in my last post - that's Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. Presently - or at least recently - he does a lot of travel shows. I just love his twinkly eyes!

I'll check back in later. Ta for now!

------------------------

edited to add: I know that Mr. D'Onofrio is also a movie star. Just wanted to say that. And also? He is actually much cuter in person than that photo above would have you believe. Not that that's a bad picture, just that he's a real guy, and he's really very cute.

The end.

p.s. I promise to stop with the celebrity male photos soon. I apologize for the fangirlyness. I'm not generally like this.

More cuteness. I'm sorry. Must be some sort of hormonal thing.

2007-10-25T12:14:00.000-05:00

Cute then....

...and cute still!

That's all I've got for you right now - more in a bit!

Stolen image. Thank you, Google.

2007-10-22T19:41:00.000-05:00

This?

Is what I needed. Yep.

Ahem.

On my way home from lab, wherein we stumbled through another set of scenarios. Such fun. I shouldn't say it this way; I am learning. It's just that the learning process is so irritating sometimes, in that I already know some stuff, and the stuff I don't know is presented kind of stupidly. Meh.

And so I refer you to Mr. Laurie.

Cuteness is a cure for almost anything. Kittens are best at it, in my own personal estimation, but there are folks who are able to breach the kitten line.

Until Wednesday..... bye.

Repeat photo!

2007-10-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

Persimmon, last year this time

I do have my camera back, but I need to buy it some new batteries - and so again with a repeat. This fruit is yummy only at certain times - generally after a hard frost. Prior to that, it will shink your mouth down to a tiny, tiny "O" with its horrific tannic-ness.

I went to the city (THE CITY... NYC. still makes me laugh that people refer to it that way, as if it's the only city on earth) yesterday to see "Mama Mia" on Broadway. It was fantastic! I went with two of my coworkers in what was originally to be a goodbye gift, which miraculously turned into a hello, again! gift. Yay! I am still walking on clouds about the extension of my funding. I shouldn't belabor the point, but I will one more time - I love it here. I can't even believe I got this job, and now I get to have it again for another year. It still amazes me. I'm sure I sound like a dork - I often do - but this is such a rare thing that I have. Plant pathology, entomology, horticulture - and people who care about and love those things - it's really quite amazing that I landed here. Those are the things I love, and somehow I got to be involved in it all.

Can you tell I'm feeling happier these days? Much of it has to do with this job extension, but I have been doing better overall lately. I did badly on my midterm last week (I think, but it's hard to tell), but still I'm doing fine. Generally I would be beating the crap out of myself for screwing it up - but I'm ok. I really am! If I f'd it up, I have time to make that up, and I know I will do that. It's so, so nice to feel happy, upbeat, joyful. It's intoxicating! It's a gift. I'm not really sure how I deserve to feel so good, but thank God that I do. It's hard to believe.

I know that I will sink into depths again. I always do. Everyone does. I'm getting better in dealing with it, but I still get self-destructive when I go into the dark, and I dread that. I'm not going to give power to those thoughts, though. I'm going to go outside and do some work with the trees on this absolutely pristine autumn day. Brilliant!

Ta for now.

Picture this smile five times larger...

2007-10-18T15:45:00.000-05:00

...and you'll get a picture of what I look like right now. Yes, perhaps that's anatomically a bit scary, but still - it's how I feel. I can't stop smiling! Why?

Because I've been extended a year at this job!! I can't even tell you how happy I am about that. To be completely honest, although certainly making a decent wage is important, I was so very much dreading leaving the people I work with here. I love all of them, and I am well aware of what a rarity that is. They have been my main emotional support over the past three years - they have cared about me, put up with me, and been there for me over and over again. Every one of them is dear to me, and that's not hyperbole. I am completely surprised by this - it came out of left field. It also came out of much prayer, I think. I can hardly stand it, the happiness - it's seriously wonderful. I am actually teary about this. My ever-practical boss would scoff, but that's ok because I love him too.

YAY! A thousand times yay!!

Until tomorrow, ta.

More old pictures...

2007-10-16T11:51:00.000-05:00

Up in the orchard, a year ago

This should be among the last of the old photos... I should be getting my camera back soon (thanks, Mom!). It was repaired free of charge, as it had something wrong with it that was under warranty. Anyhow...

It's been a rough couple of days. I accidentally told my father something that happened to me a long time ago, something I swore I would never tell him. While I still regret saying what I said, for the pain it caused him and is probably still causing him, maybe it's a good thing that he knows. I think it probably is. It was a stupid way to tell him, though. We were talking, and then having a bit of a disagreement about a political/religious topic (see how stupid? I generally never, ever broach these topics with my dad)... and the past just popped right out of my mouth. I wished instantly that I could suck the words back into my throat, but life doesn't work that way. Pity. Anyhow, what I said hit him very hard. He was hurt, he made threats that he wouldn't talk to me again until I told him certain other things, and then handed the phone to my mom - and refused to talk to me again. Anyone who knows me knows that being deprived of my father is pretty much torture for me. It's such a tough relationship in so many ways. I love him to distraction and I always have. I love my mother and my brother equally as much, but the love I have for my father is crazy and unreasonable at times, which can lead to conflict - and has. Maybe we're too much alike. That was Saturday night, and I don't think I slept much at all. Sunday morning, he called. He was sorry for his reaction, and he told me he loves me and just wants to be there for me. I can't even tell you how my heart sang with those words. I would have been paralyzed if he hadn't called - because I wasn't going to call him. He has changed a lot in the past ten or twelve years, slowly but surely. He still reverts to form more often than I would like, but still... even five years ago, or maybe seven - he wouldn't have called me. Not until I called him first. He did that to me once, years ago - I held out for six months before I finally broke down and called him. And that was over something incredibly stupid! What I told him on Saturday night was very serious. He really has changed. And I love him for it.

I don't mean to exclude my mom in all of this talk - she is my beloved, in so many ways. I wish life had made it so I could spend every day with her - or at least every other. She is easy to love, as is my brother. I think my dad and I are hard to love, in some ways.

Gotta go now. I had an unexpected additional harvest dumped in my lap this morning, and I have a midterm tonight (for which I am ill prepared... ah, well.... sigh....), so lots of work to do.

Before I sign off, I want to thank both Shannon and my brother Brian for taking my teary, frantic phone calls after my conversation with dad Saturday night. Thank you both. Thank you for loving me despite my many, many flaws.

Ta for now.

Black knot

2007-10-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if I've talked about black knot before, but here on a bamboo pole is a bag of black knot lesions. I put it there in order to inoculate the trees (one bamboo pole w/black knots in a bag per tree) with the disease, in order to study the effects of various fungicides. If you are interested in knowing about black knot in detail, here's a good summary: http://plantclinic.cornell.edu/FactSheets/black_knot/blacknot.htm Really, I'm just desperate for photos to post, so here y'go. I don't really have much to say. I'm tired, which is more or less chronic at this point. School is going ok - demanding and busy and frustrating, but ok. I'm feeling a little neutral today. That's certainly better than soul-crushing darkness, to be sure, but it would be a lot more fun if I was happy and upbeat. Can't have everything, I suppose. I am increasingly happy to be here at this lab - I will say that. Funny how your imminent departure forces you to see how good you had it all along. I have honestly loved this place since I came here. I've moaned and complained a lot, but I work with such wonderful people, and I get to do such different, out-of-mainstream work - I'll never be at a place like this again, I'd wager. I complain mostly because I am in pain a lot with my stupid knee doing whatever the hell it's doing pathophysiologically - and so the physical labor I do is really hard. I like physical labor, so it sucks that it's so trying to do these days. Hopefully another surgery will correct this problem. I suppose that's it for now. On the home front, M. is annoyed with me for accidentally leaving a load of laundry in the washer. That was dumb, I know, but I claim extreme tiredness. It was only a blanket and two t-shirts, and I rewashed everything yesterday morning before leaving for work. That's the news. Nothing much happening aside from the usual drudgery. More later - I hope you all are well. Ta.

Again with the tired.

2007-10-08T12:58:00.000-05:00

Apricot tree, this time last year

My camera is still away being fixed, hopefully. I miss being able to post pictures. This one is from last year - at the moment, the same tree is still quite green.

So - yep. I'm ridiculously tired. I was tired at the end of the week last week, then had to prep for a camping trip I didn't want to go on. Not to be a spoilsport, but I have so much studying to do it's ridiculous - I have 42 chapters to read before next Tuesday and I was able to read one and a half while camping. Also? I really, really need some down time. Some would consider camping in the Adirondacks with family down time. I do not. People drain me, wear me out (which, hey, yeah! I'm going to be a nurse and I'm a total introvert who lives for alone time! go, Anne!). I spent the entire weekend being social, and spent two nights in a camper that contained three raucous snorers. Also, my frame didn't totally fit on the bed I was dealt, so my feet hung over the end. My knees were not happy with the arrangement and I gimped around in the mornings even more than is usual. Basically, I'm even more tired than I was on Friday. I should have gone to bed earlier than I did last night, but I desperately needed some alone-time, so I didn't. The tiredness is therefore partially my fault. Whatever.

I have a family member who was on the camping trip who has breast cancer. I haven't talked about this because I haven't really dealt with it, in some ways; beyond a hysterical crying fit I had on the phone with my parents, I have been very cool about the whole thing. This weekend, it finally stuck me that she could be gone from our lives sooner than later. I couldn't stop picturing her funeral. I know - that's terribly dark and pessimistic - but it's true. I can't stand it, which is probably why I keep tamping down any feelings I might have on the issue. She's got one more chemo treatment two weeks from now, then a two week break, then six weeks of radiation. It sucks more than I can say - cancer is a true evil. She is a lovely woman, and she has come through this treatment with smiles and flying colors, as befits her sunny personality. She's lost all her hair at this point, but hasn't had too too many sick days. Her cancer is a bad one - aggressive and with a pretty grim prognosis. It is hormone receptor negative, BRCA positive, she had 11 positive lymph nodes, and her mother had breast cancer (she's still living, albeit with a double radical mastectomy). She has been told that she should have a double mastectomy, but she refuses. I don't really know what else to say. I am worried for her, terribly sad about what might be coming... and I'm apparently burying my feelings. How very not unusual for me.

Anyhow... meh. I'm tired and I don't feel like writing anymore.

So - that's all for now, folks. Hope you're all well.

Ta.

In case you were wondering,

2007-10-02T21:18:00.001-05:00

yes, I'm still very tired. I have nothing really to report. School continues to spool on. Work continues to be physically demanding, and I've taken to actually swearing at trees when they dare to have fruit so high I need to lug a ladder along. Which happens all too frequently, so there's lots of unnecessary blue language. The trees don't really deserve it, but... but. I discovered tonight that people aren't as un-homophobic as I thought they should be. In my nursing class, no less! That's pretty depressing. I really just don't get why someone's sexual orientation matters to anyone, period. It doesn't figure. What else? Hmm. Beauty. Lots of leaves are changing, skies are lovely, and I have encountered myriad spiders today. As usual, my favorites are the jumping spiders, family Salticidae. They actually look at you - consider you. It's wonderful and hilarious to watch. Not much else is going on that fits writing about right now. On that note, ta. More soon, hopefully.

So very tired. Still and all....

2007-09-28T15:11:00.000-05:00

...I'm doing fine, in case anyone wants to know. I got a 90 on my first exam at school, and I had a terrific night at the hospital - so much so that I actually caught a glimpse of the possibility that I may one day be a nurse, and perhaps even a decent one. That felt really good. I know very well that I will shake my fist at the skies (and the nursing program), worry about my abilities, and decide that I hate nursing at least five thousand times between now and graduation... so it's been really good to ride a wave of positivity this week. I must tuck this experience away for sustenance during the inevitable bad times. In other news... I love the northeast. I love the autumn flowers dearly - all the different asters and daisies and goldenrod (such a riot of Compositae!). Also, the fruits of various trees - velvety red sumac fruit, hard green golfballs of black walnut, acorns! I love acorns. Apples (of course), milkweed pods (love), and on and on and on. Autumn is lovely, and I fall more in love with northeastern flora and its autumnal riches every single year. I am very much not looking forward to winter, the dormancy of my beloved plants, and the lack of daylight... and the cold - ick. If winter would just deign to last two months, I could handle it. The way things stand, though, it goes on rather longer than that. Meanwhile, though, I shall enjoy the heck out of autumn. No weekend plans other than cleaning house and of course studying. And hopefully sleeping - lots and lots of sleeping. I'm feverishly, horrifically tired. Best weekends to you all. ta. p.s. my knee is still very swollen, and I have some impressive bruises from my fall. I'm doing fine, though. wanted to give the world an update.